slow progress

Not for lack of want and surely not for lack of 'material', the training has been going slower than anticipated...

snow names

It's said that the Eskimos have hundreds of different names for snow.  I'm not really interested in names for snow.  I'm more interested in names in snow.  I thought about this during today's morning constitutional with Bruce:  how awesome would it be to teach him to write his name in the snow?  Very.  That's how awesome it would be.

Unfortunately, it's much harder than you might think.

cellar door

In the bracing world of 'phonaesthetics' (a word that only exists in the bracing world of 'phonaesthetics') the phrase 'cellar door' is considered the most generally appealing in the English language.  The research that went into this was categorically the best use of money ever.  It's probably also the most useless piece of information that I (and now you) know.

Of course, this hasn't stopped people from turning it into a name (Selador or Sellador).  This means that Hermit Hortense now has a definite competitor on my list of beautiful names.

Unfortunately, 'cellar door' doesn't sound nearly as well in Macedonian.  I'm also betting it's not as alluring when Stephen Hawking says it either.

perplexing question

I just read an article about a woman who stored the placentas from two separate child births for a couple of years.  This, while in and of itself is 100% completely normal, caught the attention of the media because she eventually decided to dispose of them on Maori land and (quote) "the method of disposal was not in keeping with Maori cultural protocols and the area was a place that Maori were unlikely to use for this purpose".

 

So, the question is: if you were to eat the placentas on Maori land, would that still be considered 'not keeping with Maori cultural protocols' and are the Maori sitting on an undiscovered gold mine in the placenta disposal market?

 

Also, does anyone actually believe that I'm serious about anything placenta related not being utterly disgusting?

The world is ending

The world must be ending b/c I finally joined Facebook. Things can only go downhill from here.

break in

Somebody broke in to our apartment this afternoon.  I saw him when I came home for lunch and tried to chase him but he got away.  He stole an entire row of the brownies Melissa was saving.  So if she asks, that's what happened.

On a completely unrelated note, I should probably go out running more often.

Justin's Award

Congratulations to Justin - he was awarded the District Award of Merit for the Salt Lake Council area.

http://gslc-bsa.org/openrosters/ViewOrgPageLink.asp?LinkKey=28594&orgkey=1728

Since the Salt Lake Council doesn't exactly have a fantastic award site, here is some more info on it

http://usscouts.org/awards/distawardmerit.asp

Congratulations!

no explanation

Melissa's Quote of the Day:  "My gosh, they're so fat."

google search

Somebody pinged our blog using the Google search "restulex reviews".  That's especially impressive because The Pierce's Pontification was the 136th search result for that particular search at the time of this writing. 

Whomever that somebody was really did have restless legs and to them I say, "You probably also have Cousin Oliver Syndrome so...good luck with that."

appropriate behavior

I understand that after moving to Minnesota, we've entered a completely new societal paradigm.  I also understand that certain things usually seen as socially unacceptable may be completely normal here in the upper mid-West.  In fact, just the other day, I was thinking to myself, "Self, I wonder if there is anywhere in the contiguous United States that has both a population above thirteen and a completely accepting opinion concerning urinating out the upper apartment bedroom window." 

This is something that one would think one would never run across.  Really.  I never in my wildest dreams (including the infamous Zombie Golf Polo Dream) would have thought I would be wondering that.  But I did.  And that's the scary part.

Actually, let me be clear, there was an instigating situation which led to the pondering.  Namely, the situation was as follows: my upstairs neighbor was peeing out his window in the middle of the night.  No really.  He was.  I know.  Awesome.

Let me paint the picture for you.  It's Saturday night.  Melissa and I had been down in Minneapolis to see Brian Regan perform and we got back rather late.  I wasn't really tired and needed to work on some stuff for our church assignment (I still don't believe it's a calling) and so was up rather late/early.  At approximately 0142hrs, I decided to turn in for the night and was just getting all snuggled up under the blankets when I heard the most unusual sound outside the window directly over my head.  In fact, the sound wasn't all THAT unusual as I hear it at least twice a day, usually in the bathroom area of the house as I tinkle.  Thinking that our neighborhood drunk guy (what? you don't have a neighborhood drunk guy?) might be micturating on my baby-that-doesn't-sleep-with-me-because-Melissa-won't-let-motorcycles-in-the-house, peeked out the blinds to see what was going on.

And that's when I saw The Stream.  That's right, The Stream.  Coming all the way from above where I was just getting ready to sleep.  It was very disturbing.  And it went on forever.  It was like I-80 going through Wyoming.  I closed the window and told Melissa that I had a new most disgusting thing to beat out her "Dead Birds in the Parking Lot".

So now I'm left wondering: if you're on the bottom floor, can you still pee out the window?

word pronunciation

Some words should be pronounced more eloquently than the standard pronunciation.  Like 'neuter'.  I think 'neuter' should be pronounced 'noo-TAIR'.

'Noo-TAIR' sounds more like an exotic plastic surgery and less like hundreds of thousands of years of evolutionary progress designed to ensure the most stalwart and desirable traits are passed from generation to generation in the never-ending quest to become the ultimate predator have been utterly destroyed in a half hour by some guy who didn't even take you out to dinner first.

I think the same is true for 'va-MEET'.

snip snip

Bruce underwent what was for him a VERY disappointing surgery today and while he was in dreamland  the veterinarian cleaned his teeth.  Melissa's comment was, "I bet his teeth are sore like how they are after you go to the dentist."

I'm fairly certain my teeth would be relatively low on my priority list if I were Bruce.

I hope he dreamed of golden retrievers.

suicidal kitty

Quantum Suicide is a thought experiment designed by physicists to defy laws of conservation of mass and energy and completely confuse people.  Basically, the experiment goes as follows:

A suicidal man (whom we'll call George) is locked in a room with a button.  Every time George pushes the button, a device measures the spin on a quark which is assumed to only have a clockwise or counter-clockwise rotation which changes randomly.  This device is connected to a bomb that will immediately destroy the room and everything in it if the device detects a counterclockwise rotation but will only click if a clockwise spin is detected.  Quantum physics would suggest that no matter how many times or how often George pushes the button, all he will ever hear is a click.  "How can that be?" you question quizzically, "it seems as though there is a 50% chance George will become lots of little George-bits, which are slightly more tender and less salty than, but not as satisfying as, bacon-bits."

Well, here's the tricky bit: every time the man pushes the button, he makes a decision and for every decision made, the universe splits into parallel paths that account for all possible outcomes for that decision.  I know.  Weird.  Basically, if you were to observe the experiment from the same room, you have a 50% chance of becoming intimately familiar with a gut-pulverizing supersonic pressure wave followed by a flesh melting gas bubble and bone searing particle impingement experiment which would ultimately (very short ultimately) lead to your 'ceasing to exist'.  From George's perspective, all he ever experiences is pushing the button because his conscious obviously follows the split where he doesn't cease to exist.  It's really very simple.

So let's make it more complicated and add a kitty, Schrodinger's Cat to be specific.

Schrodinger's Cat is another physicist's thought experiment (I think physicists need to get real jobs or finish their Phds if they have enough time to think up fake experiments) which puts a cat (who we'll call Max) in a sealed box that has no external stimuli (i.e. you can't see, smell, touch, taste, hear in it or out of it).  In the box with Max are a Geiger counter, a vial of radioactive material, and some deadly poison for good luck.  If the Geiger counter detects any radioactive decay (leak from the vial), it will automatically trigger the deadly poison (not just any poison, deadly poison) which will instantly create a dead kitty much like Fudgy.  "Finally, a beneficial use for all those things in my basement!" you proclaim excitedly.

But alas, here we go with the tricky bit again…because there is no way to tell what state of aliveness Max is in, he exists in both states, alive and dead, until there is an external force applied (as in, someone opens the box because they're curious and don't understand the effects of potentially releasing toxic chemicals in their face).  Basically, until we look in the box, we have an undead dead cat, which I think is the exact definition of a zombie cat.

Let's recap: we now have Immortal George, who has devised the most complicated contraption ever for offing himself but still can't make it work, and Zombie Max, who is both alive and dead at the same time but as soon as you try to find out which is which immediately becomes one or the other.

So...what happens if Zombie Max is the one performing Immortal George's experiment?  Does he always hear a click AND always get vaporized?  Does he push the button AND not push the button at the same time?  Is he still found frozen stiff curled up under a tree stump by an impressionable group of young adolescents after 'visiting the neighbors' all winter AND happily frolicking, inciting the innocent laughter of children while chasing butterflies on the warm summer lawn? It's all very troubling…

smart dog

If the Beggin' Strips dog had half a brain, this is how he would get his bacon.

The Birthday that just keeps going!

Even though my birthday was a month ago, the day finally came for us to use the present Justin gave me. So, here it is:




And - we got on the jumbo tron! The cameraman sat down in the seat behind us for a minute then he put us up on the Jumbo tron - it was pretty cool.

Flugtag

Well, we've only seen it on You Tube before but yesterday we got to see it in person. The Red Bull Flugtag.

hearing aid

If I had a hearing aid I would turn it up really loud so I could hear what other people were talking about.

But then, when you think about it, isn't that kind of the whole idea?

Also, I would turn it up so it would squeal randomly.  Then people would know when I'm tired of hearing them talk.

Birthday/Minnesota Happenings

I felt I needed to go into more detail than Justin did about my birthday. Justin got me tickets to a twins game in July which I'm really excited about. Then we went to the bike shop and I got a new bike. Minnesota is full of trails everywhere so we thought it would be fun to go biking. Our bike ride was followed by dinner and a movie. It was an absolutely wonderful day. Below if a video of Justin and how he feels on my new bike.

We've settled into out apartment and I thought you'd all like to see how far we've come.

Old Living Room in our house:

New Living room in our apartment

Old kitchen in our house

New Kitchen in our new apartment

And the bathroom speaks for itself

And you can imagine what it smells like just based on the fact that this is only half of our air fresheners.

But we are enjoying it.

Here are some more pictures.

Lake Minnetonka

And Bruce

melissa's b-day

Melissa had a birthday.  She did some stuff.

happy juneteenth

As you may very well be aware, Juneteenth is celebrated a little differently in the Midwest – it's more of a somber occasion, celebrated with the bi-annual Releasing of the Speckled Newts to acknowledge Father Igor the Hideously Disfigured's contributions to nightmarish bedtime stories.  All the kids love chasing the newts down the street, picking them up, and throwing them into the Woodchipper of Doom.  Everyone laughs and laughs until The Naughtiest Kid of Them All (as voted with a rousing game of Heads-up-7-up played by The Supreme Tribal Council) has his/her left foot customarily amputated.  That's really when it gets somber.  That, and during The Kitten Feeding (to the Dobermans).

Thanks to John for reminding me that yesterday was Juneteenth, also known as Emancipation Day or Freedom Day, the holiday celebrating the abolition of slavery.

that's irony

Believe it or not, the US military screwed up when attempting a software update on their GPS system.  The resulting glitch turned about 10,000 GPS recievers into expensive paperweights for about two weeks.  But that's not really ironic.  During the Gulf War, Saddam tried to jam GPS signals as the US invaded Iraq.  However, his GPS jamming device was destroyed by a GPS-guided bomb.  That's ironic.  And funny.

incorrect wording

I recently read an article about lab mice and how through years of inbreeding one has the capability of (basically) choosing exactly what kind of traits they would like exhibited in their lab mice.  The article mentioned that the researcher who began this heroic effort, Dr. Little, received the Coley Award but stated that the Coley Award was an award given to those who oversaw the upkeep of lab mice.  Before I derisively disparaged such an obviously awesome award, I decided to make sure that the award was indeed given to those taking care of lab mice.  Good thing I did - the award is actually given to "one or more scientists for outstanding achievements in the field of basic immunology and cancer immunology."  Boy would I have looked like an idiot.

 

Instead, I'll just wonder if they're going to make up an award for inbreeding people from the south.  They could call it the Kin-breeding Award.  They're probably not going to.

 

Also, I thought my little play on words (kin-breeding vs in-breeding) was pure comedic genius.  I'm still giggling.

Minnesota Observations

I realize that people are the same no matter where you go. You run into the same types of people everywhere. On Sunday, I actually ran into someone I worked with 6 months ago at Zions. When I saw her I thought to myself - isn't it funny that she looks just like that girl I knew at Zions - people are really just the same no matter where you go. In this case - they were the exact same.

I've also noticed a few other things about Minnesota

1) People don't drive over 70.

2) Highway Patrol cars are brown.

3) You can't get anywhere without a GPS.

4) Streets like 35W do not run East/West as the name suggests - instead it runs North/South. Instead we think it is 35W b/c it lies West of some other random road in the state - we're still figuring this one out.

5) There are about a million little trails to walk on that Bruce just loves - and lots of squirrels for him to try to chase.

6) We have just entered "construction season" as more than one person called it.

7) I've only seen outdoor malls and indoor waterparks - none of the opposite.

8) The people are genuinely nice and kind.

We're enjoying it here so far and are looking forward to the next few months to get settled. Bruce has already settled in and we may regret teaching him to get on the couch at the hotel.

We Made It!

We made it and had some fun along the way. Bruce was fantastic and slept half the way - without the aid of the Benadryl I brought along just in case.

We saw about 200 signs about this place in the middle of South Dakota so of course we had to stop there. I'm sure Justin will post the picture of me singing with a stuffed monkey later on.

Bruce was fantastic!

Bruce was whining pretty good as we went through Bear Country USA. I made Justin put the windows up so he wouldn't jump out or get eaten by a mountain lion or bear.

Mount Rushmore of course.

And Sturgis - I'm not convinced I want to come back during the rally in the summer.

Outside the Wright Museum (not the one you would think) in Wright, Wyoming.

valuable incontinence

Incontinence.

 

The word alone really needs no further illustration but if I didn't write anything else, I couldn't blither on and on about the increasing value of old people.  For years and years, old people were seen only as a drain on society; using valuable resources which could be delegated to much more important tasks like showing that cows who have names give more milk than cows who don't have names or inventing a brassiere that (in case of an emergency, of course) can quickly be converted into a face mask.  However, this antiquated thinking has been revolutionized with the advent of the SFD Recycle System.

 

Now, as long as there is a need for energy, there will be a need for old people.  And no, the SFD does not recycle old people, rather it recycles old people's recyclings reclaimed from old people's diapers.  What a boon for all of humanity!

 

Also, the important tasks mentioned earlier are real so don't try to go patent jumping.  It won't work.

bad surprise

A Utah woman was sentenced to 30 days in jail after telling her husband she had a surprise for him, sitting him in a chair, blindfolding him, and then hitting him on the head with a hammer.

 

I'm betting he was pretty surprised.

epic tales

The Epic of Gilgamesh is commonly accepted as the first written work by a named author in the history of civilization.  This is interesting because I'm pretty sure if I were the first author ever and I were chiseling into stone tablets I would have chosen a much shorter name than 'Gilgamesh' as the hero figure in my narrative prose.  Something akin to 'Joe' or 'Pete' or maybe 'Bob'.  Also, there are probably a lot of grammatical errors.  The First Editor Ever job was probably a hard one.

 

On the other hand, 'Humbaba the Terrible' is a pretty sweet name for a villain and may very well be what I name my kids hamster.

post script

We're moving to Minnesota.

peanut nirvana

There is nothing better than opening a new jar of peanut butter to gaze soulfully on the creamy brown goodness swirled crisply therein while gently piercing the smooth surface with sparkling silver knife and spreading it smoothly onto a freshly baked piece of warm homemade bread.

 

Unless you're allergic to peanuts.

 

Then it's probably more like opening a jar filled with a horribly grisly death waiting to seize your throat in the perpetual grip of doom while futile attempts to gasp for all-precious air weaken as an eerie silence settles upon the room.

 

So there probably is something better than a new jar of peanut butter.

complete shock

A report by Fortune Magazine ranked Family Dollar Stores as 3rd in worst quality of products/services.  Really?  No, seriously: I am flabbergasted.  I have always firmly believed that a store which sells everything on its shelves for all of one dollar should carry only goods of the utmost highest quality and worth; that such a travesty as being ranked 3rd in worst quality of products/services could happen is absolutely deplorable.  Obviously, Family Dollar Stores' quality manager needs to be gravely reprimanded, even to the point of public flogging.  But not with a whip purchased from Family Dollar Stores because it would probably just break.

 

Also, according to the Magazine Publishers of America, Fortune Magazine isn't even ranked in their list of top magazines, which is really surprising considering such demonstrably superior reporting.

first letter

This is the first email I ever wrote to Melissa.  I was such a dork.  What was she thinking?

Hey you,

So there we are, standing outside your door at 12:26 in the morning, just out to do a little bit of fishing, and WHAM! The door flies open, the lights come on, Nathan wets himself, and I'm caught in the crossfire. We weren't doing anything at all. Just out fishing. Didn't you see the lake? We were actually just on our way to invite you to come, but having the door fly open on you just as you're about to knock is a tad bit startling. I'm sure you can imagine it.

Next time I'll come up with something better.

Oh, by the way, this is the email I use. Just thought I'd throw that in there.

I came to the library to see if you were still there (me being a stalker and all) But after an extesive search of floors 3, 4, and 5, I ran into Julie who indirectly prompted me into checking my email, which I did. In case you didn't gather.

By the way, you never came over for your pictures. But that's probably ok, because now there's a plausible excuse to come over. And I hid all your spices.

That said, I should probably go study for that math test. Knowing me, it should only take about 15 minutes. Also knowing me, that should be right up there around my score too, but we'll find out.

Have a marvelously ebullient day! Till next time...

Ciao,

Justin

sound reasoning

I just had the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to read an incredible news story. Not that reading a news story is a once in a lifetime opportunity or that incredible news stories are all that rare, but I highly doubt that I will ever read a news article (headline: “Woman says her love handles saved her life”) that cites the following:

“I want to be as big as I can if it’s going to stop a bullet.”

That, my friends, is a fine example of some sound reasoning.

great accomplishment

I had an exciting week this week in which I accomplished what is quite possibly the greatest feat of woe and daring in the history of mankind as we know it.  This accomplishment, in its singularity, may very well be what pulls the banking industry from the doldrums of finance into the palatial realms of much greater companies like Enron and Tyco.  After literally years of trial and error, test, and countless sleepless nights I have finally achieved that which was formerly thought to be unattainable: I have created a triple-stuffed EL Fudge cookie.

I believe that this is one of the things JFK referred to when he said:

"We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard, because that goal will serve to organize and measure the best of our energies and skills, because that challenge is one that we are willing to accept, one we are unwilling to postpone, and one which we intend to win, and the others [like creating a triple-stuffed short-bread cookie in the shape of a funny looking little person of questionable "orientation" who lives in a tree, which cookie is filled with a deliciously creamy fudge-flavored icing made from all non-natural ingredients that forces you to eat an entire package in one sitting even though that's probably 8600 calories which will all go straight to your hips and buttocks], too." 

Ladies and gentlemen…we…have won.  [Insert thunderous applause here.]  [And accolades.  Accolades go here.]

I anxiously await your unending praise, esteem, and admiration.

bubble wrap

I know some of you probably celebrated on your own, but for the rest of us: we missed Bubblewrap's 50th birthday yesterday.  This is really bad because it's really the one day you can make a (valid) excuse for wrapping up in a big sheet of bubbly fun with no clothes on just so you can hear the sweet sound of popping plastic as you roll around on the living room floor and people won't have you committed.

 

Trust me, other people don't appreciate it as much as they should.

 

Especially when it's their living room floor.

new thought

I think vegetables would be much more appealing if they didn't have names that sounded like venereal diseases like 'arugula', 'collards', and 'Swiss chard'. 
 
Also, if they tasted like bacon.

up north

After finding a pretty screaming deal on airline mile tickets, Melissa and I escaped the frigid wastelands of Utah for the balmy tropics of Alaska (where it was only -8 for a couple of days) over the Christmas holidays. It was awesome. Especially because nobody knew we were coming except my brother and his wife.

I've never seen my mom so excited about something. We were sleeping on the floor downstairs when she came in to check for something and accidentally flipped on the light. As she was trying to apologize profusely, I poked my head up and it took her a second to realize I wasn't my brother-in-law (who had mentioned sleeping over that night). Then she started saying things like 'how did you get here' and 'you're not Nick' in really high octaves while doing super fast jazz hands with skippy feet.

My sister was then next one to find out later that morning. While she was giving my mom a hug, I came up and sandwiched her from behind and started digging my chin into her back. Her only comment was 'I don't know who that is but it feels good so don't stop.' Then I bit her. When she turned around I got to hear another high pitched voice screaming something about how 'now it can be Christmas'.

My dad was the last person at the house to find out and had probably the least spectacular reaction (but still pretty spectacular considering my dad). As he followed my brother up the stairs talking about the social acceptance of wearing underwear as a towel (because being seen in a towel is apparently more acceptable than being seen in underwear, thus raising the question: would it be more appropriate to use your underwear as a towel rather than actually wearing them if you didn't have any other clothes?), I jumped out from behind the banister and tried to scare him. It took a second for him to react with a clutching of the heart and staggering halfway back down the stairs. As it turns out, the delay was due to him trying to figure out how my brother went from standing right in front of him to jumping out from behind the banister in a split second.

We hit my other two sisters and their families at a baby blessing later that morning by walking in through the side door after everyone had already taken their seats. My brother-in-law Ethan was the first to see us and commented: "Oh. My. Goodness." Then everyone else looked and another round of high voices and onslaught of hugs ensued followed by a general mobbing by the nieces and nephews.

Definitely worth it. Except for the permanent hearing loss.