music video

I couldn't not post this.

white elephant

Yesterday was my work Christmas party during which we had our traditional white elephant gift exchange.

Melissa brought an XL pair of leopard print granny panties.

How embarrassing.

perplexing question

For some reason, I feel like the answer to this question is just out of my reach. Like when something's on the tip of your tongue and you just can't think of it.  So here goes.

We know that Newton's First Law of Motion states: In the absence of force, a body either is at rest or moves in a straight line with constant speed (basically, once you start moving, you'll keep moving unless something changes). We know that a point on the outside of a rotating disc is necessarily traveling faster than a point closer to the center of the same rotating disc in order to cover a greater circumference in the same amount of time. We also know that gravitational force exerted by an object increases as distance between objects decreases according to the equation: PE = -G*(m1*m2)/r; (where G = gravitational constant, 6.67*10^-11; m1 = mass of object 1; m2 = mass of object 2; and r = distance between center of object 1 and object 2). And we know that light does not escape black holes and can even be bent by the extraordinary gravitational pull from a black hole.

So here’s the question: If light (we’ll name him Jim) were to approach off-center of a black hole (we’ll name him Bill) but within the very edge of the event horizon (the point at which nothing can escape Bill), Jim would supposedly spiral towards Bill’s center (remember that Bill is three dimensional and equally strong in all directions, much like myself after 5 days of camping). In order to continue moving inward (hence the spiral) Jim would have to have a continuous force acting radially from Bill’s center (Newton’s 1st Law), which force is actually increasing according to the boring equation referenced in the previous paragraph. So if the force is increasing as Jim get’s closer to Bill, the distance between the annuli of the spiral (as measured radially) must be increasing. So far, this means that if you were to draw a line (we’ll call her Cathy) straight out from Bill’s center and if Jim were to make one complete revolution at the beginning of his journey in some given amount of time, he will make one complete revolution towards the end of his journey (after spiraling inwards) in much less time because he has a much shorter distance to travel (if it were a circle, the circumference would be much smaller), and the distance between annuli as measured on Cathy is also increasing.

Okay, we haven’t gotten to the question yet. But we’re getting more confused.

Anyway, the spiral traced by Jim as described would probably approximate a Fermat spiral or at least the first half of a Fermat spiral. So if you were to be a casual observer (we’ll call you Otis) and could watch all of this happen (which you couldn’t really) from a fixed point in space outside Bill's event horizon, would it appear as though Jim sped up, slowed down, or didn't change speed has he approached Bill? Also, if Jim were aimed directly at Bill, would he speed up as he approached Bill and was acted upon with ever-increasing force by Bill’s overwhelming gravitational pull even though the speed of light is supposedly as fast as anything can go? Also, also, who names their kid Otis?

good idea

There is no way that this:

is not a fantastic idea.

A 29lb sled with a 220 lb weight capacity built for old people to “withstand extreme use”. How could that possibly be a bad idea? It even has three different motion restricting, escape-proof restraining devices (they call them ‘safety straps’) and a head rest which practically guarantees that in the event of an overturn your forehead will be dragged through razor sharp shards of ice the absolute maximum distance possible. There's really nothing that says "I love you" like complete immobilization - it's even got a strap for the feet!  With a narrow ski-base and precariously high center of gravity, keeling over into an uncontrollable tumble is practically inevitable. And for extra speed, there’s even a handlebar on the back for those “Here goes Grandpa!” push-offs. How exciting!

As if that’s not enough to make you go out and buy it right now, the runners are solid steel ensuring zero deflection as they slice through your extremities with the ease of a French Revolutionary guillotine. With not one but TWO “independently operating brakes” there’s no shortage of things to be talking/yelling/screaming bloody murder about as you careen down a 60 degree incline towards what will either be the most awesome jump over 17 cars and a school bus ever or a grisly scene of death and mayhem where miscellaneous body parts are sorted and piled for future identification to the sound of distant sirens and wailing car alarms. The only color available is red so the blood stains won’t even show up!

It's even on sale for a mere $429.00 + shipping and handling. Unfortunately, it’s only for riders with good head, neck, and trunk control so I guess I’ll have to find something else for the father-in-law…

new shirt

After much searching, I have found Melissa's Christmas present. It's a shirt. But not just any shirt. It's a Gerbil Shirt.

Now I know your asking yourself, "Self, why would Melissa want a shirt with a gerbil on it?" And the answer is simple: because it's not a shirt with a gerbil on it.  "What?" you say, "I thought you just said it's a gerbil shirt!" And that I did...but it's even better than a a shirt with a gerbil on it, it's a shirt with a gerbil (or potentially gerbils) on it. This is an important distinction and something that in no way could possibly go unnoticed.  Especially because the gerbils in question ARE ALIVE!

Yes, that's right. I said it. It's a gerbil shirt with live gerbil(s) on it, going about their merry gerbil way, running around in little gerbil tubes, while the wearer (Melissa) continues having perfectly normal conversations with nobody. This is because nobody wants to be associated with someone who has gerbils running around their shirt. Ever. For any reason. Unless that reason is to fill the little gerbil tubes up with DeCon.

I still think Melissa will like it. Just look how happy she's going to be:

On a slightly related note, I don't think a gerbil would fill Bruce up.

On a slightly unrelated note, 'gerbil' is a funny looking word.

burning butter

Melissa and I had an interesting conversation yesterday morning that went something like this:

Melissa: If you put butter in a toaster, would it light on fire?
Me: What?
Melissa: I was wondering if you put butter in a toaster, would it light on fire?
Me: That's what I thought you said. Why would you put butter in a toaster?
Melissa: Like if I buttered bread and then put it in a toaster.
Me:  Why would you butter bread before you put it in the toaster?
Melissa:  I'm just wondering if it would catch on fire.
Me: I guess it could.  But, back to my question, why would you even consider doing that?
Melissa:  Well, I was thinking I wanted a grilled cheese sandwich but I didn't want to spend the time to cook it.  So I thought about putting it in the toaster because that would cook it pretty fast.  Then I thought the butter might catch on fire so I decided not to do it.  Then I thought we should probably make sure our kids don't do that.
Me:  Now you've raised a completely different problem: why do you want grilled cheese first thing in the morning?

Now I have to go get a toaster that I can put buttered bread into just to see if it will catch on fire.  And I probably have to do it without Melissa knowing about it.  I should probably make sure our kids don't do that.

Melissa thinks I'm crazy.

And with no further explanation...

highly disappointing

Yesterday was Halloween which means that weird people were all over the place, some even coming to my house begging for unhealthy food.

Speaking of TV, there was one show I was really looking forward to watching: Werewolf Hamster: The Legend of.... The name was too long to display what the legend actually was so that part was a mystery, but I was pretty excited about it nonetheless. The idea of vicious mutant rodents terrorizing helpless villagers under the light of a full moon was very appealing to me and I was especially looking forward to hearing what the howl of a werewolf hamster sounded like. I imagine they sound something like a cat in heat stuck in a helium chamber.

Unfortunately, I never got to find out. It turns out I read the name of the movie wrong. It was really named Werewolf Hunter: The Legend of... which sounds way too lame to be any good at all. It was a very disappointing Halloween.

pump neighbors

Gas pumps always seem to generate socially awkward situations for me. And by ‘socially awkward situations’ I really mean a ‘more-socially-awkward-than-normal situations’. This is because nobody acknowledges me at gas pumps. It’s almost as though the person on the other side of the pump or the pump across from me (my Gas Pump Neighbor, as it were) hates me and all that I stand for. I’m pretty sure there’s an unspoken competition to see which of us can fill up their gas tank first, like I’m not worthy to breathe human-rated air if I’m still standing out in the cold when my GPN drives off, giggling gleefully under his/her/it's breath. This even happens when I offer a polite “HEY! YOU! IS YOUR HAIR SUPPOSED TO LOOK LIKE THAT OR DID YOU HAVE AN INDUSTRIAL ACCIDENT AT A BEET FACTORY?!”

It’s a little disturbing.

security envelopes

As I sat at my computer recently (just now), I noticed a box of 'Security Envelopes' sitting on my desk. Not only do they have a "Moisture Sealing Adhesive Flap" but they are also "Security Tinted for Confidential Mailings". Tinted like bullet-proof limousines. But more like easily ripped paper with a sort of dark blue ink blot on the inside.

I think 'Security Envelopes' should light on fire while spraying white phosphorous all over with a 180dB siren blaring as soon as anybody unauthorized tried to open them. That would be real security. I would even mail cash in an envelope like that.

Or they should at least get a badge.

topic change

So I don’t really mean to change the topic from Number 1 but on to Number 2 in the Things to Do In the Bathroom series. For example: build a canoe from fecal matter to paddle across the English Channel. You can re-read that if you’d like.

As it turns out, if you’re sitting on the sovereign litter box and the idea to build some sort of meadow muffin flotation device to propel yourself across one of the busiest shipping lanes in the world occurs to you, it doesn’t count. You would be too late. Also, you need to put some magazines in your loo. Also, also, you may very well get the idea AFTER you’re done sitting on the privy (I’ll let you use your imagination as to why). The idea doesn’t count then either.

Two guys actually made a canoe (really more like a kayak) out of recycled paper and grass. The paper was recycled by the two guys. The grass was recycled by sheep. Why one would do this is a mystery.

My word of advice if you do choose to do this: make sure you use floaters.

domesticated ungulate byproduct

Why is it that I can’t come up with something utterly revolting to sell to really gullible people? Something so absolutely revolting nobody in their right mind would ever remotely consider buying it. Ideally something people will put in their mouth. Something like a soft drink made out of cattle tinkle.

Oh wait. Too late.

Believe it or not, some guy in India is already making a soft drink out of bovine urine. I know. Delicious. Of course, he’s adding medicinal herbs like aloe vera and gooseberry. This is good because if you drink aloe vera, your tummy won’t hurt when it gets sunburned. Of course, that isn’t the only benefit: the drink is also supposed to cure obesity. Probably because after you drink cow pee nothing else is really appetizing. Ever.

On a completely separate note - there aren't very many synonyms for 'cow'.

embarrassing moments

This never happened to me. Ever. I promise. But I still think it would be really embarrassing to fall asleep on the toilets at work and have the mid-day cleaning lady come in and find you.

Really, that never happened to me.

Trap Shooter

The newest member of the ATK competition trap shooting team now lives in our house. Justin shot 46 out of 50 trap yesterday to make the 4 man team. According to him, the other team members' guns were pretty nice - some, he said, worth up to $2000 (and possibly up to $3500 so I was just told). Justin shot with the gun we traded for the Jimmy - doesn't that just show how good he really is. I still think he is headed for one of the Outdoor Channel's shooting shows.

dream on

not forgotten

Melissa kindly reminded me that not everyone knew James the GMC Jimmy as well as I and, therefore, it might be wise to post some pictures so that all may experience the heartbreak felt in our household.

dear james

Dear James,

I hope you understand how hard this is for me; we’ve had so many wonderful memories together. It’s not you…it’s my wife. You see, she never really felt the same way I did about you. I know, I know. You had that nifty window in the floor where she could watch the road go by. And you got us stuck in the middle of the woods that one time so we could spend more time together. You even took your top off for her.

Mostly…it was the fumes. And the space you took up in the garage. And that you really haven't been going anywhere for the last two years. And that you drank a lot and even passed out in the driveway. And that some may (or may not) have referred to you as ‘an unholy abomination not fit to be burned with the fecal matter of a million camels’. But mostly it was the fumes. You can only smother so many brain cells.

Anyway. That’s why you were driven most of the way back to your new home by someone else. Oh, by the way, I understand why you would be upset, but two miles? You made it from Tooele to almost Vernal and decided to die TWO MILES away from Jerry’s house? That was pretty low. Its things like that that don’t make me regret leaving you for the guns. And the cash.

So I guess that’s it. I’ll be thinking of you tomorrow as I try to break pigeons with the new Mossberg. If I can see them through my tears.

All the best,

Justin

new project

This is my new project to finish sometime in the future. Hopefully, it will keep Bruce from destroying the hot tub cover.

I Guess We'd Rather Be In Colorado

We had a great trip in Colorado and wish we could go back for another week. Here are some pictures from the trip. Some are hard to explain but just use your imagination.

Trail that leads around Estes Lake. There was supposed to be a ton of elk on the trail but we just saw one. Maybe the Pierce curse doesn't just apply to fishing.

Supposedly this one was going to charge us at any moment. I was planning to get it on film as I ran away screaming.

Normal Pierce Family

Gangster Pierce Family - You Talkin To Me?

Haunted Hotel in Estes Park. The Shining was filmed here but none of us had seen it so we weren't too scared.

Mom wrapping herself in towels and garbage bags.

Mom smelling Dad's sock.

Last but not least - Brittany's performance as a weeping willow tree singing Poor Judd is Dead.

If you were wondering, we found a new game called Quelf that made us do all of this. I bet all of you can't wait until the family reunion when you get to participate.

quasi-boring jobs

I think geology (if you are over the age of eight and still have a pet rock, you might be a geologist) would get pretty old after a while. And by ‘a while’ I mean ‘more than 12 minutes’. I believe this is why geologists came up with such a fantastic rating system for volcanoes: the Volcanic Explosivity Index. This was their attempt to lure unsuspecting undergrad students into the terribly riveting world of the rock cycle. And by ‘terribly riveting’ I mean ‘like watching paint dry without the benefit of fume-induced hallucinations’. And by ‘rock cycle’ I do not mean ‘Aerosmith’s upcoming North American tour from June-September’.

They even tried to make it more exciting by incorporating descriptions like ‘paroxysmal’, and ‘mega-colossal’. DO NOT BE FOOLED! You will be forever stuck studying things like plate tectonics and stratigraphy which are NOT things you want to be forever stuck studying! And by ‘forever’ I mean ‘forever’. Geologists measure time in millions of years. This means they are very rarely on time for meetings.

Consider yourself warned.

melissa's run

Melissa just finished a half-marathon. She did really well. Definitely in the top 1500. I'm really, really, really proud of her and as soon as she can walk again, I'll probably take her out for a Bratwurst or something. I'm pretty sure that's exactly what she would want to eat right now.

awareness campaign

During this time of war, upheaval, and economic chaos, it’s easy to forget the things that are really important in life. Sometimes, that which is most dear to us can become minute compared to the much larger problems which seem to surround us daily. The media would have us believe that we are helpless to change our situation while feelings of hopelessness and dread can fill our thoughts. This is when it becomes most vital that we remember the significant things which may have fallen by the wayside. Like Restless Legs Syndrome.

It has now been long enough that I can no longer remember the last Restless Legs Syndrome commercial I saw. Forgotten by all, it is imperative that we do not allow made-up ailments to dissolve into the abyss! RLS could possibly affect nearly 12,000,000 people in the United States alone! That’s a potential of maybe almost 4% of the entire population! And it is estimated that there are many more who suffer from RLS will never seek medical attention for fear that “they wouldn’t be taken seriously” or some other inanity. That means that as many as 100% of Americans could perchance be potentially suffering from RLS! Why are these people not standing up and fighting to be recognized for the dastardly debilitating disability for which they suffer!?

Oh wait.

Well, why aren’t they sitting down and fighting to be recognized for the dastardly debilitating disability for which they suffer!? Fortunately, for only $67, these poor souls can purchase a single bottle of Restulex™, a homeopathic remedy “guaranteed* to help your legs stay relaxed from the very first use.” In my completely unbiased opinion, I think it would be hilarious to watch someone with relaxed legs try to walk. Therefore, Restulex™ is providing a much needed service to humanity: comic relief.

This lady has no spasms.

On an unrelated note, I’m pretty sure Melissa has Restless Finger Syndrome. Last night she woke me up by repeatedly jabbing her index finger into my leg as though she was frantically trying to push the eject button on United Flight 1549. She has no recollection of the event.

*Restulex™ is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent Restless Leg Syndrome (RLS). That part is taken directly from the Restulex™ website.

squirrel fishing

On the recommendation of a friend, I found this:


In the process, I also found this:


I think they're both hilarious.

survival training

I recently had the opportunity to learn some amazing skills from an individual who fancies himself a survival expert. I had no idea he was a survival expert, but after having him teach me how to snare squirrels, there is no doubt in my mind.

How to Catch Squirrels in a Survival Situation
1) Get a piece of rope. It's important that this rope not be longer than 3-4 feet and no thinner than 1/4 in. Preferably, you should be intimately familiar with this piece of rope, having taken it wherever you go for the past 8 months. Also important is melting the ends of the rope so they're not frayed (fortunately, this will be further addressed in step 4).
2) Get a stick. The stick demonstrated for me was approximately 2x6 inches.
3) Get one (1) Baby Ruth candy bar.
4) Make fire. This fire can be made using a can of spray paint and a match or a propane torch, both of which should be essential pieces of your survival kit. Redundancy should be observed by carrying two (2) cans of spray paint. When making the fire with spray paint, use only small/medium sized pieces of wood; no tinder or kindling allowed! When making the fire using a propane torch, use only tinder; no wood larger than a match should be used! However, you should save a few matches for later use if you decide to use matches as your primary fuel source. If necessary, this fire can also be used to melt the ends of your rope.
5) Tie the rope to a branch up in the tree. The branch should not be so high that you can't reach the end of the rope, in fact, the rope should hang only 2-3 feet from the ground. The type of knot is not important.
6) Tie the stick to the end of the rope that's hanging down from the tree. This knot should be a bowline.
7) Bring your fire and your Baby Ruth to a point under the rope.
8) After placing your fire on the ground, begin cooking the Baby Ruth. It is a little known fact that squirrels will immediately overcome their natural fear of humans and fire to have the opportunity to eat a flame broiled Baby Ruth candy bar. Within minutes, you should be overcome with squirrels. If not, you're obviously not cooking your Baby Ruth correctly.
9) Grab the stick (which should be hanging within easy hand's reach) and begin clubbing squirrels to your hearts content. Another little known fact: squirrels are much slower after being dazed by the fumes given off by cooking Baby Ruth candy bars and should be easy to club. The six-inch stick you're using as a club gives them a sporting chance.
10) Eat Baby Ruth flavored squirrels for dinner and never be hungry again.

Next Stop: Shooting USA

Justin says I never post anything so I decided to give it a whirl today.

A couple of months ago I noticed that our DVR started filling up with several outdoor shows and shooting shows. Hours and hours of Best Defense Shooting, Impossible Shots, and Shooting USA - not to mention the ones where they show people deer hunting. Come to find out, Justin discovered the Outdoor Channel. He went to a shoot on Saturday and I think he's headed for the Shooting USA show - really. He did extremely well at the shoot. His results are below.

world famous

Today I learned that I am world famous. Actually, I learned that China is probably hacking into my blog. I hope it's worth their time when they succeed. Actually, what I really learned is that I've had 8 visits to this site from countries other than the US of A. One of them was from China.

They were probably confused.

issa's family

These are my nephews and my niece. They're kind of weird.

tupperware accolade

Due to popular request, I'm posting a picture of my Tupperware(tm) nightstand. Yes, there are drawers. No I did not take them out for this picture. I have nothing to hide (in my nightstand... that's way too obvious). It just so happens the drawers fit nicely onto the shelves in the walk-in closet and have been stationed there for the last two years. As you may or may not be able to tell, I'm not one to care about furniture nobody will see. I leave the house decorating and furniture choosing completely up to Melissa. I would much rather spend money on things that go 'boom' and incite childish giggling. However, as outlined in the picture, I do have all the necessities. As of yet, the notepad has not been added.

good ideas

Well, I haven't written anything on here for a while even though I've had some really good ideas that I wanted to write about. Unfortunately, all my really good ideas come right before I fall asleep and I don't remember what they were the next morning. So I guess you can be assured that I'm falling asleep.

I think I'll put a note pad on my Tupperware nightstand...

vowel-less words

Norse mythology recently (36 minutes ago) became very interesting to me. This is because I read references to Ragnarök in two different, unaffiliated sources in as many days. Then I read the Wikipedia reference on Ragnarök which was very confusing. So after learning how to make ‘o’s like this: ö (Alt-0246), I prepared a much simpler version of the spine chilling, epic battle of the Norse gods.

Odin dies a grisly death caused by massive eaten-by-wolf-named-Fenrir related injuries in the very beginning. It was either that or bitten-by-snake related injuries but fortunately Thor (who was Odin’s son) was there to fend off the feisty fanged felon, Jörmungandr. As it turns out, Thor isn’t all that fantastic: ultimately all who die, lose and Thor loses after walking a pretty pansy nine steps (something about venom from giant snakes being bad for you).

Meanwhile, back at the ranch: Loki has been tied up because somehow he was complicit in the death of Baldr (Baldr having even less hair than his half-brother Bald). Baldr isn’t that important, except at the after Ragnarök when he’s resurrected and he sits around with some other ex-gods to sing Cum-by-ya and eventually they find some gold pieces and become Level 13 Dark Wizards. He was also the god associated with light and beauty, which is probably why he was able to be killed with a twig of mistletoe. Also, this was a pretty big deal leading up to Ragnarök because now all the other gods could no longer participate in their favorite pastime which happened to be throwing things at Baldr. They didn't have TV.

But back to Loki…

He’s bound with Narfi’s (his son) internal organs on some rocks while a snake leaks venom on his head, which ends up hurting a lot. This is a bad thing until he breaks free. Having never had the distinction of being called “the wisest of beings” like Odin, Loki tries to fight Heimdallr (who never sleeps and can hear grass grow) and they both kill each other. In an exciting twist of events: Jörmungandr turns out TO BE LOKI’S SON! But this doesn’t really matter because he’s already dead.

After that, Surtr, being the fjurk (English = jerk) that he was, covers the Earth in fire and everybody burns.

The end.

sea kittens

I'm doing my part to save the sea kittens from the grisly death that would surely await them next to my chips (that's English for 'French Fries') by making my own sea kitten:

I like to pretend he rides the motorcycle Melissa won't let me get (despite the tremendous fuel savings and minor chance that I would die).

Actually, I love sea kittens. I also love prairie puppies or, as they are commonly known, 'Hamburgers'. To quote my brother, who probably read this on a place-mat somewhere: if God didn't want us to eat animals, He wouldn't have made them so taste so good.

I think I'm going to go have some chicken nuggets.

my picture

This picture where I like to boast,
I look so good I have to post.
My pulchritude is fascinating,
I'm exquisite, a plus 10 rating.

Even with my facial fuzz,
I make your heart go all abuzz.
My bright blue eyes and brownish hair
Make you wish that you were there.

I caught a fish, as you can see,
It doesn't look as good as me.
With my coat, I'm not burlesque,
Though I remain quite statuesque.

It takes a fair amount of moxy
To admit that I look foxy.
But Melissa thinks I look so hot.
You can not argue I do not.

Ok. Enough of this nonsense. Melissa made me put this picture up because she has a thing about fish. It's weird. And kind of creepy. I think she was just jealous that I got to spend my New Years (and not the Chinese one) out on a frozen lake trying to slay sea kittens (http://www.peta.org/sea_kittens/) with some friends while she had to work.

Actually, I'm finally getting around to putting up a Christmas post. I know I"m not late because I'm sitting next to the Christmas tree right now. If I were late, we obviously wouldn't have our Christmas tree up. With the lights on. Obviously.

Christmas was actually pretty good. We spent it up north with Melissa's sister's family (who we'll call the "Hansen family" because that's their name). After much trepidation over the amount of presents the nephews and niece were receiving (too much, not too little), Melissa and I ended up being the last one's to open presents. This was good because by this time nobody really cared so I got off easy giving her an old lamp we inherited when we bought the house. I also got her a book which somebody reading this blog will probably open next year for Christmas. She got me some Hotwheels. It was awesome.

Other than that, life has been pretty uneventful. The Statistical Process Control (SPC) class I started for my Master's degree (in an as yet to be determined field) is pretty much a repeat of the easiest parts of the Engineering Statistics class I had to take two years ago. Melissa has been busy with her job which means that, for the most part, she likes it. Otherwise, nothing new.

And, just so you know, I think sea kittens are delicious with tartar sauce.

disappointment galore

I must say, I am very disappointed nobody voted for the worst leftovers ever.