Merry Christmas 2011

Merry Christmas to all of our family and friends this year. We were in Minnesota this year for a quiet Christmas.


With lots of good gifts!


And time to finish some new projects. Which do you think we will need to decorate the nursery?


Yes - It's true - We are expecting next June. Not sure yet if it is a boy or a girl. We are thrilled with this wonderful upcoming addition to our family.

better idea

I don't know how exactly to say that my life is complete. Other than saying that my life is complete.

Last week I found out that Melissa and I are finally able to buy purses made out of whole toads. I know. You're as surprised as I was. And when I say whole toads, I actually do mean 'whole toads'. Like with all four legs and the head. The opening is strategically located as to not interfere with the attached head, meaning: the opening is the tooshie. This means that everytime you go for your chapstick, it's like giving a protological exam to a genuine cane toad. That's nice because you get to feel like a doctor everytime you need your license. It's not so nice because it's not really the kind of doctor most people aspire to and...well...it's a toad. A toad rectum to be more precise. This is somewhat of a downfall.

The enterprising individuals at www.toadshop.com selling the "Four Leg Cane Toad Shoulder Purse" also offer a "Cane Toad Leather Handbag". Unfortunately, it does not include a toad head (but it does have a toad foot for the zipper pull so...bonus).

This may be the only time in the history of all mankind that the statement "the zipper pull has a small toad foot but there are no toad heads on this purse" is considered a negative.

good idea

The other day I saw an old van turned into a taxi. On the side it said "Rides for All Ages" and had hand painted stars and rainbows all over it. I would definitely call some guy in an old Doge Caravan to come give my kids a ride. I'm pretty sure that guy is 100% on the level because that's not creepy at all. I wonder if he also has puppies and kittens and hands out pieces of candy outside the elementary school.

exciting news

We have some very exciting news to share. After many, many years of (sometimes impatiently waiting), Melissa and I have found out that we are able to buy tea made from elephant poo. Although we don't drink tea, supposedly, it has a very nutty flavor. This is earth shattering. Never in all of my many years would I imagine that there would be such a fantastic and innovative product available.

So, now you all know.

A year of posts

So, we haven't been very good at posting this year and it has been a pretty eventful one. We are approaching our 18 month mark of being official Minnesotans. The time has flown by! Starting at the beginning - the trip out here allowed us to hit a few hot spots along the way.

Bruce wasn't allowed into the park but he was a good boy waiting in the car. Bruce was fantastic on the ride out here.


Our trip out here allowed Justin to make his journey to Sturgis.


We have enjoyed some fun activities while we've been here. This one was for my birthday last year - we had phenomenal seats thanks to Justin.


Our county is the 'self proclaimed' Halloween capital of the world and we jumped on the bandwagon pretty quickly.

As did Bruce. Justin wonders why I didn't get the cowboy costume but you have to admit this one is way better.


Justin thinks he looks cooler this way.


Last year, I had the opportunity to go to Missouri to see a few old college friends. It was a wonderful trip and I was glad I was so close to be able to go.


This summer we had lots of visitors as well. First, my big sis and her boys came to visit. We showed them 'Tinysota' as they liked to call it. Of course we had to go do all the fun stuff.


Mall of America - including the American Girl Store and the amusement park.

Church too!
Como Zoo in St. Paul

This year I also hit a pretty big birthday and we had some wonderful friends who made a mess in our yard :) It was fantastic. Thanks ladies.


I had the opportunity to attend girls camp too.


Then we had more wonderful visits from more family. Justin's sister came to visit and we took her to the sculpture garden near Stillwater.


And Taylors Falls. By the way, there are no falls at Taylors Falls - it's very misleading.


This turtle almost became our new pet. Justin rescued it off the side of the road, brought it home, stuck it in the bath tub and let me find it on my own. If I had let him keep the video he took when I found 'James' I'm sure it would already have been posted!


Justin has continued a few of his favorite hobbies here too. I think he should try out for Top Shot on History Channel.



And another ongoing project below. Still a work in progress but with a lot of potential.


Last month we had a wonderful visit from Justin's parents and visited Gooseberry Falls up north.


Like father like son.


And I just can't resist posting these. Our 'adopted' dog I suppose.


It's been quite a year!

happy birthday

Dear iAn,

 

Happy birthday. I hope that it is filled with much joy and not so much sorrow and that all your dreams may come true except the wholly inappropriate ones that involve gerbils, glue, and a crowbar.  But it is your birthday so if you really want those dreams to come true, I guess that would be okay.  But only today.  After today those dreams coming true will just lead to the painful feeling arising from the consciousness of having done something dishonorable, improper, ridiculous, etcetera otherwise known as 'shame' which is pretty significantly different than a person who acts as intermediary between the natural and supernatural worlds, using magic to cure illness, foretell the future, control spiritual forces, etcetera otherwise known as 'shaman' even though they are pretty close to each other spelling-wise.

 

Speaking of spelling, my auto-correct auto-corrects 'i snot' to 'is not'. Given the number of times I type 'I snot', it's kind of frustrating.  I'm sure you understand.

 

Love-even-though-you-peed-on-my-head-while-I-was-sleeping-on-your-bedroom-floor,

 

Justin

prototype testing

Guess what I got to do the other day.  I got to test a prototype night vision monocular from a long time ago that we found in a closet at work.  It was awesome.

Guess what else I got to do the other day.  Get stuck in the closet for 45 minutes because the door jammed shut while I was testing a prototype night vision monocular from a long time ago that we found in a closet at work.  It kind of put a damper on the excitement of testing a prototype night vision monocular from a long time ago that we found in a closet at work.  Especially because Melissa was gone on a business trip and wasn't expected to be home for another 27 hours.  Also, my phone was on the table downstairs.  Bruce was laying outside the door so I told him to go get the phone but he just wandered away.  Rin Tin Tin has nothing to worry about from Bruce.

You know the stories about old people that fall down and nobody finds their decomposing corpse for a couple of months because nobody cares about old people?  That's the kind of thought I was thinking.  All in all, it was kind of funny for the first 5 minutes.  The last 40 minutes weren't so enjoyable.

going out

I think cremation might not be the worst way to find your final resting place.  That way everyone remembers that you kind of smelled like bacon.  Especially at the end.

Now I'm hungry.

good book

I just found a book that I think could be a stroke of pure genius.  It is so good that I am staying up way past my bedtime just to write about it.  In fact, it is so unbelievably awesome that it may win whatever prize really good books win.  It is called (and I'm not making this part up): OUCH!  It Hurts When I Poop!

I know: pure, unadulterated brilliance.  In fact, I'm betting that 90% of both of my readers are googling it right now.  Although I've never read it, solely based on the title and the pictures of fruit on the cover, it is veritably in a class of it's own.  Way better than the Everybody Poops book of which Melissa and I have received at least two copies.  Of course everybody poops.  Duh.  But what do you do when pooping hurts?  That's the question that can finally be answered thanks to OUCH!  It Hurts When I Poop!, a book with true purpose.  I would also like to point out that this is, in fact, a poem.  A poem which "will help a lot!" (taken directly from the introduction).  It will probably help a lot because exclamation points are used everywhere in this book!  Of course, exclamation points may also be exhaustively used because if it hurts when you're pooping, you're probably using a few exclamation points of your own.

I think I'm going to get this for my in-laws.  They can put it next to the copy of Who Cares About Elderly People? I got them for Christmas a couple years ago.

I'm such a good son-in-law.

international sports

A German named Elmar recently won the title of World's Best Beard in the biannual 'Worlds Best Beard and Mustache Championship'.  His winning beard was sculpted into the shape of what the news said was a moose but what really looked like a caribou.  Apparently, when your name is 'Elmar' you are able to grow a beard to your waist and then mold it into the shape of a caribou.  This is most likely because you aren't married.  Which is completely ridiculous.  What woman wouldn't want to be married to the man who won (quote) "the premier event in the international sport of bearding"?

I'm fairly certain that "the international sport of bearding" is the also the most lazy sport of them all.  You don't even have to do anything.  You just sit there and hair grows out your face.  I'm participating RIGHT NOW.  And I'm not wearing pants.  Which makes 'the international sport of bearding' also the most awesome sport of them all.  I'm practically a semi-pro.

birthday present

My dad told me he really wanted one of his lovely daughters or his youngest son or his beautiful wife (but definitely not his eldest son and heir to all that he has) to get him this t-shirt for his birthday:

If you read the reviews on Amazon, you'll definitely understand why he wants it so badly.  That said: who's going to pony up and get it for him?

If 'Three Wolf Moon' isn't your style, he also said you could get him this one:

Just a hint: if you get a size medium, he won't have to cut off the bottom in order for his belly button to show.

nerd extraordinaire

I'm making this into a t-shirt.

to dad

There once was a man named David

Whose nose hairs could all be braided.

His kids took a survey:

“It must be his birthday

It’s surprising how much he’s aged.”

wise choices

I was watching a fantastic series on Discovery Channel called Human Planet.  They mentioned the Dorobo tribe of Kenya who who happens to have (by now it may be 'had') one of the last guys to know how to steal food from lions.  I thought they could have been a little more creative than just saying he was one of the last ones to know how to steal food from lions.  For example, I think it would have been much better to save that for a quiz question at the commercial break.

Q: There are how many Dorobo left who don't know what happened to the last 18 guys that tried to steal food from lions?
A) Everybody knows you don't steal food from lions.  Duh.
B) I'm kind of new here, but that has poor choice written all over it.
C) I thought this was supposed to be Avatar.
D) One.  His name is Rikita and we're going to show him trying to steal food from lions.  We're hoping it ends up like a bad NASCAR crash so stay tuned.

And for those of you who really want to know what happens...http://dsc.discovery.com/videos/human-planet-stealing-meat-from-lions.html.

strep throat

I can't swallow anything.  All I've eaten since Sunday afternoon is half a salad, most of a bowl of ice cream, a banana, most of a bowl of soup, and a yogurt.  I'm starving.  My body is becoming stronger by the second as it learns to fight off the attacks from itself.  And then it has to fight the fighting off.  It's a vicious cycle to become superhuman.

yay interweb

Now that it's 2011, we finally have the interweb at our house.  This means that I no longer have an excuse for not posting.  So I might.

weight watchers

I walked past a conference room and saw that lunch was being served.  I almost went in to get some but was told it was a Weight Watchers meeting.  I still would have taken some but I had already eaten an upsized 5-piece chicken tenders meal from Hardee's.  I feel so dirty.