peanut nirvana

There is nothing better than opening a new jar of peanut butter to gaze soulfully on the creamy brown goodness swirled crisply therein while gently piercing the smooth surface with sparkling silver knife and spreading it smoothly onto a freshly baked piece of warm homemade bread.

 

Unless you're allergic to peanuts.

 

Then it's probably more like opening a jar filled with a horribly grisly death waiting to seize your throat in the perpetual grip of doom while futile attempts to gasp for all-precious air weaken as an eerie silence settles upon the room.

 

So there probably is something better than a new jar of peanut butter.

complete shock

A report by Fortune Magazine ranked Family Dollar Stores as 3rd in worst quality of products/services.  Really?  No, seriously: I am flabbergasted.  I have always firmly believed that a store which sells everything on its shelves for all of one dollar should carry only goods of the utmost highest quality and worth; that such a travesty as being ranked 3rd in worst quality of products/services could happen is absolutely deplorable.  Obviously, Family Dollar Stores' quality manager needs to be gravely reprimanded, even to the point of public flogging.  But not with a whip purchased from Family Dollar Stores because it would probably just break.

 

Also, according to the Magazine Publishers of America, Fortune Magazine isn't even ranked in their list of top magazines, which is really surprising considering such demonstrably superior reporting.

first letter

This is the first email I ever wrote to Melissa.  I was such a dork.  What was she thinking?

Hey you,

So there we are, standing outside your door at 12:26 in the morning, just out to do a little bit of fishing, and WHAM! The door flies open, the lights come on, Nathan wets himself, and I'm caught in the crossfire. We weren't doing anything at all. Just out fishing. Didn't you see the lake? We were actually just on our way to invite you to come, but having the door fly open on you just as you're about to knock is a tad bit startling. I'm sure you can imagine it.

Next time I'll come up with something better.

Oh, by the way, this is the email I use. Just thought I'd throw that in there.

I came to the library to see if you were still there (me being a stalker and all) But after an extesive search of floors 3, 4, and 5, I ran into Julie who indirectly prompted me into checking my email, which I did. In case you didn't gather.

By the way, you never came over for your pictures. But that's probably ok, because now there's a plausible excuse to come over. And I hid all your spices.

That said, I should probably go study for that math test. Knowing me, it should only take about 15 minutes. Also knowing me, that should be right up there around my score too, but we'll find out.

Have a marvelously ebullient day! Till next time...

Ciao,

Justin

sound reasoning

I just had the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to read an incredible news story. Not that reading a news story is a once in a lifetime opportunity or that incredible news stories are all that rare, but I highly doubt that I will ever read a news article (headline: “Woman says her love handles saved her life”) that cites the following:

“I want to be as big as I can if it’s going to stop a bullet.”

That, my friends, is a fine example of some sound reasoning.

great accomplishment

I had an exciting week this week in which I accomplished what is quite possibly the greatest feat of woe and daring in the history of mankind as we know it.  This accomplishment, in its singularity, may very well be what pulls the banking industry from the doldrums of finance into the palatial realms of much greater companies like Enron and Tyco.  After literally years of trial and error, test, and countless sleepless nights I have finally achieved that which was formerly thought to be unattainable: I have created a triple-stuffed EL Fudge cookie.

I believe that this is one of the things JFK referred to when he said:

"We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard, because that goal will serve to organize and measure the best of our energies and skills, because that challenge is one that we are willing to accept, one we are unwilling to postpone, and one which we intend to win, and the others [like creating a triple-stuffed short-bread cookie in the shape of a funny looking little person of questionable "orientation" who lives in a tree, which cookie is filled with a deliciously creamy fudge-flavored icing made from all non-natural ingredients that forces you to eat an entire package in one sitting even though that's probably 8600 calories which will all go straight to your hips and buttocks], too." 

Ladies and gentlemen…we…have won.  [Insert thunderous applause here.]  [And accolades.  Accolades go here.]

I anxiously await your unending praise, esteem, and admiration.