prototype testing

Guess what I got to do the other day.  I got to test a prototype night vision monocular from a long time ago that we found in a closet at work.  It was awesome.

Guess what else I got to do the other day.  Get stuck in the closet for 45 minutes because the door jammed shut while I was testing a prototype night vision monocular from a long time ago that we found in a closet at work.  It kind of put a damper on the excitement of testing a prototype night vision monocular from a long time ago that we found in a closet at work.  Especially because Melissa was gone on a business trip and wasn't expected to be home for another 27 hours.  Also, my phone was on the table downstairs.  Bruce was laying outside the door so I told him to go get the phone but he just wandered away.  Rin Tin Tin has nothing to worry about from Bruce.

You know the stories about old people that fall down and nobody finds their decomposing corpse for a couple of months because nobody cares about old people?  That's the kind of thought I was thinking.  All in all, it was kind of funny for the first 5 minutes.  The last 40 minutes weren't so enjoyable.

going out

I think cremation might not be the worst way to find your final resting place.  That way everyone remembers that you kind of smelled like bacon.  Especially at the end.

Now I'm hungry.

good book

I just found a book that I think could be a stroke of pure genius.  It is so good that I am staying up way past my bedtime just to write about it.  In fact, it is so unbelievably awesome that it may win whatever prize really good books win.  It is called (and I'm not making this part up): OUCH!  It Hurts When I Poop!

I know: pure, unadulterated brilliance.  In fact, I'm betting that 90% of both of my readers are googling it right now.  Although I've never read it, solely based on the title and the pictures of fruit on the cover, it is veritably in a class of it's own.  Way better than the Everybody Poops book of which Melissa and I have received at least two copies.  Of course everybody poops.  Duh.  But what do you do when pooping hurts?  That's the question that can finally be answered thanks to OUCH!  It Hurts When I Poop!, a book with true purpose.  I would also like to point out that this is, in fact, a poem.  A poem which "will help a lot!" (taken directly from the introduction).  It will probably help a lot because exclamation points are used everywhere in this book!  Of course, exclamation points may also be exhaustively used because if it hurts when you're pooping, you're probably using a few exclamation points of your own.

I think I'm going to get this for my in-laws.  They can put it next to the copy of Who Cares About Elderly People? I got them for Christmas a couple years ago.

I'm such a good son-in-law.

international sports

A German named Elmar recently won the title of World's Best Beard in the biannual 'Worlds Best Beard and Mustache Championship'.  His winning beard was sculpted into the shape of what the news said was a moose but what really looked like a caribou.  Apparently, when your name is 'Elmar' you are able to grow a beard to your waist and then mold it into the shape of a caribou.  This is most likely because you aren't married.  Which is completely ridiculous.  What woman wouldn't want to be married to the man who won (quote) "the premier event in the international sport of bearding"?

I'm fairly certain that "the international sport of bearding" is the also the most lazy sport of them all.  You don't even have to do anything.  You just sit there and hair grows out your face.  I'm participating RIGHT NOW.  And I'm not wearing pants.  Which makes 'the international sport of bearding' also the most awesome sport of them all.  I'm practically a semi-pro.

birthday present

My dad told me he really wanted one of his lovely daughters or his youngest son or his beautiful wife (but definitely not his eldest son and heir to all that he has) to get him this t-shirt for his birthday:

If you read the reviews on Amazon, you'll definitely understand why he wants it so badly.  That said: who's going to pony up and get it for him?

If 'Three Wolf Moon' isn't your style, he also said you could get him this one:

Just a hint: if you get a size medium, he won't have to cut off the bottom in order for his belly button to show.

nerd extraordinaire

I'm making this into a t-shirt.

to dad

There once was a man named David

Whose nose hairs could all be braided.

His kids took a survey:

“It must be his birthday

It’s surprising how much he’s aged.”