man post

As I was perusing the links associated with my younger sister’s blog and realizing that she had more friends than me, I also realized that blogging is not a very manly thing to do. In fact none of the people I know who were directly or indirectly linked to her site are men. Most, if not all, are in fact women. This is good and bad for me. Much like being a male cheerleader is both good and bad. However, also much like being a male cheerleader, this is mostly bad.

Good because I am an anomaly which creates a fair amount of interest, much like having a third arm or two noses. This is because people are enthralled by abnormalities.

Bad because I don’t look nearly as ruggedly handsome in a dress. Handsome, absolutely; rugged, an emphatic ‘no’. This is because people are appalled by abnormalities.

That said I have decided to post a ‘Man Post’ defined as anything dealing with boom, vroom, or doom. This will probably be the next post, but here’s a sneak peek:

It’s important to start the militia training early in the formative years. That way, it’s a lot harder to brainwash them into reality later on.

congratulations

Congratulations are in order to my sister, Charity. Her site has directed more traffic to this blog than any other means except, of course, direct linking to the site. So I guess a congratulations is really in order to all the people who visit her site, then click on my site (probably because they don't know any better).

Also, you may want to pray for their poor, poor lost souls.

beauty sleep

Did you know gophers hibernate? I didn’t either. Apparently they do, and (depending on who you ask) Gill is no exception. By ‘who you ask’ I really mean: Melissa or me. If you ask me, Gill is sleeping peacefully in his cozy little hole somewhere in the now deceased flower garden. If you ask Melissa, Gill has begun construction on weapons of mass destruction, ran a bus full of pregnant ladies off a cliff, and makes obscene gestures at nuns.

This is a problem because I am the one who is being sent to take care of the problem. By ‘take care of the problem’ I really mean: follow Melissa's directions to dig holes randomly until you happen to find the one in which Gill has decided to fall asleep. This is not a good solution. This is ‘less effective’. This creates lots more work because all of those holes have to be refilled and made to look pretty again. By me. This is not high on my list of priorities.

My plan is to open diplomatic negotiations with Gill. Then shoot him in the face.

//kill gill

int main() {

int x, y, gophers, dead;

cout << “How many gophers are in your yard?”; cin >> gophers;

dead = 0;

while (dead <= gophers) {

for (x = 0; x <= 10; x++) {

for (y = 0; y <= 10; y++) {
dig_hole (x, y);
check_gopher (aha);

if (aha= true){
shoot_gopher_in_face_with_pellet_gun (dead);
dead++; }
}
}
}

cout << “gill is gone.”;

return(0);
}

spooky

Halloween is here and with it comes one of Melissa’s absolute favorite holiday traditions. This is probably the most important tradition that could ever be had, up to and including the tradition of blowing stuff up on the Fourth of July. Every year around Halloween, we make Monster Tacos. These are tacos made out of actual monsters captured from under our bed. If we’re really lucky, we might get a closet monster, which is much tenderer and doesn’t taste so much like old gym clothes.

Making Monster Tacos is an art and not an undertaking to be attempted by the faint of heart. One must be at least able to hold a spoon before even thinking of making a Monster Taco. After catching the monster and appropriately grinding the monster meat into a hamburger-like substance (coincidentally, hamburger can be used if monsters are not available), you do a bunch of other stuff the same as you would a taco but different. This isn’t a recipe blog. I’m not going to give recipes.

Another great part about Halloween is the chance for Melissa to make Halloween costumes. Lily went as Little Red Riding Hood. She looked great. Lily wasn’t bad either.




This part was definitely not my idea. Please pray for Bruce's terribly scarred soul.