scene two

SCENE: JUSTIN IS SLEEPING IN THE GARAGE. ON THE FLOOR. BY HIMSELF. FOR THE FORESEEABLE FUTURE. THE HEAT MAY OR MAY NOT BE ON...

scene one

SCENE: MELISSA AND JUSTIN'S MASTER BEDROOM, VERY LATE AT NIGHT

MELISSA IS LAYING ON THE LEFT SIDE OF THE BED ON HER SIDE FACING JUSTIN'S BACK. SHE HAD JUST WOKEN UP FROM SLEEPING ON THE COUCH AND THEY HAD BOTH COME UP TO THE BED. JUSTIN IS SETTING HIS ALARM CLOCK TO WAKE UP REALLY EARLY ON A SUNDAY MORNING.

JUSTIN

(unexpected burst of flatulence)

('unexpected' only in the volume and substance, not that Justin was completely surprised that it was coming - he, in fact, was not surprised at all that it was coming)

(as in, even recognizing that it's only February, this particular flatulence will probably rank top 10 of the year)

BRIEF MOMENT OF SILENCE - APPROXIMATELY 0.08 SECONDS

MELISSA

MOVE...AWAY! OH MY GOODNESS. THAT IS SOOO RANK!

 

MELISSA

MOVE...AWAY! (starts thrashing violently with legs)

 

MELISSA

MOOVE...AWAAY! MOVE AWAY! MOVE AWAY! MOVE AWAY! (thrashes violently with legs and arms)

 

MELISSA

(still thrashing, now with knees and elbows)

YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE ME THROW UP! THAT IS SO RANK! WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO STINKY? MOVE AWAY!

JUSTIN

(not smelling anything at all)

(and having a very difficult time setting the alarm)

(also, knowing that Melissa is in full-on 'I could not be less happy with you' mode, having a very difficult time not laughing out loud uncontrollably)

MELISSA

(still thrashing, now with knees elbows and possibly her chin just for good measure)

MOVE AWAY! DON'T POINT TOWARDS ME! MOVE AWAY! IT'S SO STINKY! MOVE AWAY!

 

MELISSA

(stops thrashing quite as violently, probably just around misdemeanor battery level)

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE SO MEAN! MOVE AWAY!

(slowly begins to fall asleep)

BRIEF MOMENT OF NEAR SILENCE EXCEPT THE SHAKING OF SHOULDERS CAUSED BY INVOLUNTARY SILENT LAUGHTER FROM JUSTIN - APPROXIMATELY 3.8 SECONDS

MELISSA FALLS ASLEEP

MELISSA

(pooters eight times rapid fire, like an old lady walking down the sidewalk)

awkward conversations

Pretty much every awkward conversation has a tipping point at which it actually becomes awkward - the point at which silence is better than anything that could possibly be said. Silence, or a terrible car accident. Terrible car accidents are also a good way to end an awkward conversation.

I think the best way to determine if your conversation is going to be awkward is to just jump right in. No meaningless chit-chat beforehand, just full on awkwardness. Like if you were going to ask a friend to father your child. With your significant other. That should be something you should just come right out and ask.

And then you should run the car into a bridge pylon.

One week at a time

Here is the latest pic of little baby boy!


And of me at the 6 month mark. We're getting there!