Did you know gophers hibernate? I didn’t either. Apparently they do, and (depending on who you ask) Gill is no exception. By ‘who you ask’ I really mean: Melissa or me. If you ask me, Gill is sleeping peacefully in his cozy little hole somewhere in the now deceased flower garden. If you ask Melissa, Gill has begun construction on weapons of mass destruction, ran a bus full of pregnant ladies off a cliff, and makes obscene gestures at nuns.
This is a problem because I am the one who is being sent to take care of the problem. By ‘take care of the problem’ I really mean: follow Melissa's directions to dig holes randomly until you happen to find the one in which Gill has decided to fall asleep. This is not a good solution. This is ‘less effective’. This creates lots more work because all of those holes have to be refilled and made to look pretty again. By me. This is not high on my list of priorities.
My plan is to open diplomatic negotiations with Gill. Then shoot him in the face.
Showing posts with label justin. Show all posts
Showing posts with label justin. Show all posts
14 November 2008
//kill gill
int main() {
int x, y, gophers, dead;
cout << “How many gophers are in your yard?”; cin >> gophers;
dead = 0;
while (dead <= gophers) {
for (x = 0; x <= 10; x++) {
for (y = 0; y <= 10; y++) {
dig_hole (x, y);
check_gopher (aha);
if (aha= true){
shoot_gopher_in_face_with_pellet_gun (dead);
dead++; }
}
}
}
cout << “gill is gone.”;
return(0);
}
int x, y, gophers, dead;
cout << “How many gophers are in your yard?”; cin >> gophers;
dead = 0;
while (dead <= gophers) {
for (x = 0; x <= 10; x++) {
for (y = 0; y <= 10; y++) {
dig_hole (x, y);
check_gopher (aha);
if (aha= true){
shoot_gopher_in_face_with_pellet_gun (dead);
dead++; }
}
}
}
cout << “gill is gone.”;
return(0);
}
31 October 2008
spooky
Halloween is here and with it comes one of Melissa’s absolute favorite holiday traditions. This is probably the most important tradition that could ever be had, up to and including the tradition of blowing stuff up on the Fourth of July. Every year around Halloween, we make Monster Tacos. These are tacos made out of actual monsters captured from under our bed. If we’re really lucky, we might get a closet monster, which is much tenderer and doesn’t taste so much like old gym clothes.
Making Monster Tacos is an art and not an undertaking to be attempted by the faint of heart. One must be at least able to hold a spoon before even thinking of making a Monster Taco. After catching the monster and appropriately grinding the monster meat into a hamburger-like substance (coincidentally, hamburger can be used if monsters are not available), you do a bunch of other stuff the same as you would a taco but different. This isn’t a recipe blog. I’m not going to give recipes.
Another great part about Halloween is the chance for Melissa to make Halloween costumes. Lily went as Little Red Riding Hood. She looked great. Lily wasn’t bad either.
This part was definitely not my idea. Please pray for Bruce's terribly scarred soul.
Making Monster Tacos is an art and not an undertaking to be attempted by the faint of heart. One must be at least able to hold a spoon before even thinking of making a Monster Taco. After catching the monster and appropriately grinding the monster meat into a hamburger-like substance (coincidentally, hamburger can be used if monsters are not available), you do a bunch of other stuff the same as you would a taco but different. This isn’t a recipe blog. I’m not going to give recipes.
Another great part about Halloween is the chance for Melissa to make Halloween costumes. Lily went as Little Red Riding Hood. She looked great. Lily wasn’t bad either.
This part was definitely not my idea. Please pray for Bruce's terribly scarred soul.
30 October 2008
great panic
“JUSTIN, COME HERE RIGHT NOW! COME HERE RIGHT NOW! I NEED YOU HERE NOW!”
These are the sounds of a desperate woman in serious trouble; a woman whose home is being invaded by mutant, blood-sucking aliens, or who just cut her hand off in a blender and is picking her fingers off the floor one at a time, or who has been out of toilet paper for 46 minutes while I was trying to figure out what the horrible screeching sound interrupting my Mario Kart Wii game was. As it just so happens, they are also the sounds of a woman who sees a gopher.
We got a new pet. His name is Gill and he’s a gopher. He’s not a pet that we want and is apparently waterproof (after shoving a hose down his hole for approximately infinity minutes, he’s still alive). Gill has actually been around for awhile. The plants in our front garden started mysteriously disappearing over a month ago. Really, the whole thing was sort of creepy. It was as though we were living in some sort of time warp: one day a pretty little flower would be blooming in the sunshine, the next it would be gone without a trace. Like cookies or celery when Ian and Christen are around.
We thought it was the neighbor’s dog. Melissa even wanted me to set up the camera to time-lapse videotape so we could catch it in the act. Good thing I put that off for as long as I did. Finding out it was really a gopher saved me a lot of work. Actually, it just saved me the work of setting up the camera. I still have to get rid of the gopher. Maybe this means I’ll post again before December just to keep you posted on Gill’s status. Maybe.
These are the sounds of a desperate woman in serious trouble; a woman whose home is being invaded by mutant, blood-sucking aliens, or who just cut her hand off in a blender and is picking her fingers off the floor one at a time, or who has been out of toilet paper for 46 minutes while I was trying to figure out what the horrible screeching sound interrupting my Mario Kart Wii game was. As it just so happens, they are also the sounds of a woman who sees a gopher.
We got a new pet. His name is Gill and he’s a gopher. He’s not a pet that we want and is apparently waterproof (after shoving a hose down his hole for approximately infinity minutes, he’s still alive). Gill has actually been around for awhile. The plants in our front garden started mysteriously disappearing over a month ago. Really, the whole thing was sort of creepy. It was as though we were living in some sort of time warp: one day a pretty little flower would be blooming in the sunshine, the next it would be gone without a trace. Like cookies or celery when Ian and Christen are around.
We thought it was the neighbor’s dog. Melissa even wanted me to set up the camera to time-lapse videotape so we could catch it in the act. Good thing I put that off for as long as I did. Finding out it was really a gopher saved me a lot of work. Actually, it just saved me the work of setting up the camera. I still have to get rid of the gopher. Maybe this means I’ll post again before December just to keep you posted on Gill’s status. Maybe.
29 October 2008
boring
I will readily admit that this is probably the most boring blog ever. With almost monthly updates, there is no way it could not be boring. Now for those of you wishing for an update on my life, here it is:
The most exciting thing to happen recently was the finding of this article in my company health newsletter (the important parts are highlighted):
I think this is probably the best advice I’ve read in a very long time.
Other than that, Ma and Pa Pierce came down for a visit last month. It was great. One of our SD cards won’t let us pull the pictures off it so we can’t see any of them. Most of them are airplanes flying around in a big circle really fast and really low. It was awesome.
We also went camping which was a lot of fun. Our tents look like a Coleman advertisement. Unfortunately, there were no vicious animals stalking us unrelentingly this time which was pretty disappointing.
Anyway. Now you’re pretty much caught up. Melissa has agreed to give me ‘undisturbed visiting’ time, I haven’t had to see a doctor yet, and Ma and Pa had a great time on their visit.
The most exciting thing to happen recently was the finding of this article in my company health newsletter (the important parts are highlighted):
I think this is probably the best advice I’ve read in a very long time.
Other than that, Ma and Pa Pierce came down for a visit last month. It was great. One of our SD cards won’t let us pull the pictures off it so we can’t see any of them. Most of them are airplanes flying around in a big circle really fast and really low. It was awesome.
We also went camping which was a lot of fun. Our tents look like a Coleman advertisement. Unfortunately, there were no vicious animals stalking us unrelentingly this time which was pretty disappointing.
Anyway. Now you’re pretty much caught up. Melissa has agreed to give me ‘undisturbed visiting’ time, I haven’t had to see a doctor yet, and Ma and Pa had a great time on their visit.
28 July 2008
rabid raccoons
After a tragically short life of just under 15 months, Bruce is no longer with us. He was fatally bitten by a ravenous creature on a camping trip to Clover Springs West of Rush Valley. Remember the scene from Jurassic Park where the goat rises out of the ground chained to a concrete pad while chewing on some grass in the rain and suddenly there’s a flash of lightning and all you see left is the chain swinging back and forth? It was kind of like that. Actually, it was exactly like that. Bruce was eaten by a Tyrannosaurus Rex.
Or he could have been. I guess it depends on who you ask.
That was the biggest concern facing us (and by 'us' I mean 'somebody-else-but-not-me') during our adventure into the mountains of Utah last weekend. The fearless raccoon that kept
frequenting our camp didn’t help alleviate fears of Bruce being viciously devoured by heartless beasts of the wild. To help illustrate the severity of the trepidation that was felt, I think we need to have a comparative chart.
Unfortunately, we can't. Imagine a comparative chart here.
And there you have it. 110 pound, sharp toothed Bruce would clearly have no chance against the malevolence of the 8 pound, injured raccoon who we'll call The Spawn of Evil or Xanthar for short.
I have to give Xanthar credit for allowing us (and by 'us' I, unfortunately, mean 'us') the opportunity to share what we used to think was a fairly good sized tent with what we know is a fairly large sized Bruce. A four man tent is actually only a 1.5 man + 1 Bruce tent.
At home he’s perfectly content to sit in his kennel while we do whatever we want. In the tent, there was no kennel. Just camp chairs and a table sort of laid out like a very low fence in the corner. The most surprising part is that it worked! Except when Bruce didn’t want it to work
anymore. Then it didn’t. Well, it kind of still worked. He would go back behind his 4 inch barrier and wag his tail which would brush against all 5,285 sides of the tent making a loud ‘whish, whish’ sound that was very effective in keeping us awake.
But at least he didn’t get eaten by the Tyrannosaurus Rex.
Or he could have been. I guess it depends on who you ask.
That was the biggest concern facing us (and by 'us' I mean 'somebody-else-but-not-me') during our adventure into the mountains of Utah last weekend. The fearless raccoon that kept
frequenting our camp didn’t help alleviate fears of Bruce being viciously devoured by heartless beasts of the wild. To help illustrate the severity of the trepidation that was felt, I think we need to have a comparative chart.Unfortunately, we can't. Imagine a comparative chart here.
And there you have it. 110 pound, sharp toothed Bruce would clearly have no chance against the malevolence of the 8 pound, injured raccoon who we'll call The Spawn of Evil or Xanthar for short.
I have to give Xanthar credit for allowing us (and by 'us' I, unfortunately, mean 'us') the opportunity to share what we used to think was a fairly good sized tent with what we know is a fairly large sized Bruce. A four man tent is actually only a 1.5 man + 1 Bruce tent.
At home he’s perfectly content to sit in his kennel while we do whatever we want. In the tent, there was no kennel. Just camp chairs and a table sort of laid out like a very low fence in the corner. The most surprising part is that it worked! Except when Bruce didn’t want it to work
anymore. Then it didn’t. Well, it kind of still worked. He would go back behind his 4 inch barrier and wag his tail which would brush against all 5,285 sides of the tent making a loud ‘whish, whish’ sound that was very effective in keeping us awake.But at least he didn’t get eaten by the Tyrannosaurus Rex.
24 July 2008
living in denial
Have you ever known someone who refuses to accept their currently bad situation even if it’s painfully obvious that the situation is really terrible? For some reason I woke up this morning thinking about that and the thought occurred to me: probably the ultimate example of this phenomenon would be an airline steward who gets up to answer the ‘ding’ of a bell in 17B, is sucked out the back of the airplane and yet continues on as though nothing happened. I can picture him (for some reason it’s a him) thinking (and talking) as he accelerates towards his 125 mph terminal velocity:
I’m not really sure why those thoughts were occupying my mind so heavily during my morning shower. Especially because at some point the hero of our story has no choice but decide to splat. Maybe I’m also living in denial since that didn’t really occur to me until just now…
“Here we go again. Another drink for Mr. I’m-going-to-have-to-get-up-before-the-pilot-turns-off-the-fasten-seatbelt-sign-or-I’ll-wet-myself. I wonder what he wants this time…there’s only so much Ginger Ale on this flight, you know. Oh great, hang on…
Excuse me sir, yes you, 32F. You’re going to need to turn off your electronic devices…Yes, all of them…Even that one, sir…Sir, why do you even have a toaster?
...Maybe he didn’t know. No, he knew. They always know.
I’m not really sure why those thoughts were occupying my mind so heavily during my morning shower. Especially because at some point the hero of our story has no choice but decide to splat. Maybe I’m also living in denial since that didn’t really occur to me until just now…
23 July 2008
toenail clippings
Well, well, well…here goes nothing. Time to clip my toenails on the kitchen table.
I figure that’s a better way to start than the standard, “Everybody is blogging so now I am too because, for whatever reason, I think that everything I say is important enough that the whole world should know what I think.” I’m pretty sure that really is the premise behind a blog and now Melissa and I have fallen into the same trap. Don’t worry, it’ll probably be something we do for 8.435 days and then give up. That will also save all of you a lot of time because you won’t have get to read this anymore.
I don’t think it’s fair to start blogging retroactively – if we wanted to write about stuff that already happened we should have done so already. Obviously, we didn’t care enough to do that which means we have to start with the here and now. That means we have to start with activities tonight. I’m the Scoutmaster over about 9, 12-13 yr old boys. I say about because sometimes there are more than others and most of the time at least one doesn’t really count as a whole kid. Melissa volunteers with the 12-13 yr old young women. The Scouts do way cooler stuff.
Tonight we’re going to the pool to pass off some requirements for the swimming merit badge and to show everyone how many Twinkies I’ve eaten in the past 7 years. I’m really looking forward to it. Melissa is doing a poster for their bulletin board. That sounds like even more fun.
Anyway. I think that’s a pretty good start.
Also, clipping your toenails on the kitchen table is disgusting. According to Melissa.
I figure that’s a better way to start than the standard, “Everybody is blogging so now I am too because, for whatever reason, I think that everything I say is important enough that the whole world should know what I think.” I’m pretty sure that really is the premise behind a blog and now Melissa and I have fallen into the same trap. Don’t worry, it’ll probably be something we do for 8.435 days and then give up. That will also save all of you a lot of time because you won’t have get to read this anymore.
I don’t think it’s fair to start blogging retroactively – if we wanted to write about stuff that already happened we should have done so already. Obviously, we didn’t care enough to do that which means we have to start with the here and now. That means we have to start with activities tonight. I’m the Scoutmaster over about 9, 12-13 yr old boys. I say about because sometimes there are more than others and most of the time at least one doesn’t really count as a whole kid. Melissa volunteers with the 12-13 yr old young women. The Scouts do way cooler stuff.
Tonight we’re going to the pool to pass off some requirements for the swimming merit badge and to show everyone how many Twinkies I’ve eaten in the past 7 years. I’m really looking forward to it. Melissa is doing a poster for their bulletin board. That sounds like even more fun.
Anyway. I think that’s a pretty good start.
Also, clipping your toenails on the kitchen table is disgusting. According to Melissa.
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