Seven Months and Counting

We are getting closer!

super powers

If everyone else had a super power and you didn't have a super power, would that mean that you actually had the only super power?  I think if you don't agree with that statement it's kind of unfortunate because if you did think that then you could go through life thinking that you had a super power just by assuming that everyone else had a super power but you didn't have one so your super power was not having a super power.  Obviously, this assumption is not flawed at all because if everyone else did have a super power they would keep it hidden so you wouldn't know they had one thereby validating your fundamental assumption that everyone else had a super power. That's some sound logic. 

 

I bet you had to read that twice. Which is good because I didn't read it twice. By not reading it twice I keep myself from seeing how absurd I sound when things make the transition from my brain to the computer screen.  What am I even thinking? Obviously, everybody has super powers so that's a ridiculous question in the first place. Anyways, I'm going to go fly around my living room while shooting flames from my eyeballs at the Asian beetles invading our house.

scene two

SCENE: JUSTIN IS SLEEPING IN THE GARAGE. ON THE FLOOR. BY HIMSELF. FOR THE FORESEEABLE FUTURE. THE HEAT MAY OR MAY NOT BE ON...

scene one

SCENE: MELISSA AND JUSTIN'S MASTER BEDROOM, VERY LATE AT NIGHT

MELISSA IS LAYING ON THE LEFT SIDE OF THE BED ON HER SIDE FACING JUSTIN'S BACK. SHE HAD JUST WOKEN UP FROM SLEEPING ON THE COUCH AND THEY HAD BOTH COME UP TO THE BED. JUSTIN IS SETTING HIS ALARM CLOCK TO WAKE UP REALLY EARLY ON A SUNDAY MORNING.

JUSTIN

(unexpected burst of flatulence)

('unexpected' only in the volume and substance, not that Justin was completely surprised that it was coming - he, in fact, was not surprised at all that it was coming)

(as in, even recognizing that it's only February, this particular flatulence will probably rank top 10 of the year)

BRIEF MOMENT OF SILENCE - APPROXIMATELY 0.08 SECONDS

MELISSA

MOVE...AWAY! OH MY GOODNESS. THAT IS SOOO RANK!

 

MELISSA

MOVE...AWAY! (starts thrashing violently with legs)

 

MELISSA

MOOVE...AWAAY! MOVE AWAY! MOVE AWAY! MOVE AWAY! (thrashes violently with legs and arms)

 

MELISSA

(still thrashing, now with knees and elbows)

YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE ME THROW UP! THAT IS SO RANK! WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO STINKY? MOVE AWAY!

JUSTIN

(not smelling anything at all)

(and having a very difficult time setting the alarm)

(also, knowing that Melissa is in full-on 'I could not be less happy with you' mode, having a very difficult time not laughing out loud uncontrollably)

MELISSA

(still thrashing, now with knees elbows and possibly her chin just for good measure)

MOVE AWAY! DON'T POINT TOWARDS ME! MOVE AWAY! IT'S SO STINKY! MOVE AWAY!

 

MELISSA

(stops thrashing quite as violently, probably just around misdemeanor battery level)

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE SO MEAN! MOVE AWAY!

(slowly begins to fall asleep)

BRIEF MOMENT OF NEAR SILENCE EXCEPT THE SHAKING OF SHOULDERS CAUSED BY INVOLUNTARY SILENT LAUGHTER FROM JUSTIN - APPROXIMATELY 3.8 SECONDS

MELISSA FALLS ASLEEP

MELISSA

(pooters eight times rapid fire, like an old lady walking down the sidewalk)

awkward conversations

Pretty much every awkward conversation has a tipping point at which it actually becomes awkward - the point at which silence is better than anything that could possibly be said. Silence, or a terrible car accident. Terrible car accidents are also a good way to end an awkward conversation.

I think the best way to determine if your conversation is going to be awkward is to just jump right in. No meaningless chit-chat beforehand, just full on awkwardness. Like if you were going to ask a friend to father your child. With your significant other. That should be something you should just come right out and ask.

And then you should run the car into a bridge pylon.