highly disappointing

Yesterday was Halloween which means that weird people were all over the place, some even coming to my house begging for unhealthy food.

Speaking of TV, there was one show I was really looking forward to watching: Werewolf Hamster: The Legend of.... The name was too long to display what the legend actually was so that part was a mystery, but I was pretty excited about it nonetheless. The idea of vicious mutant rodents terrorizing helpless villagers under the light of a full moon was very appealing to me and I was especially looking forward to hearing what the howl of a werewolf hamster sounded like. I imagine they sound something like a cat in heat stuck in a helium chamber.

Unfortunately, I never got to find out. It turns out I read the name of the movie wrong. It was really named Werewolf Hunter: The Legend of... which sounds way too lame to be any good at all. It was a very disappointing Halloween.

pump neighbors

Gas pumps always seem to generate socially awkward situations for me. And by ‘socially awkward situations’ I really mean a ‘more-socially-awkward-than-normal situations’. This is because nobody acknowledges me at gas pumps. It’s almost as though the person on the other side of the pump or the pump across from me (my Gas Pump Neighbor, as it were) hates me and all that I stand for. I’m pretty sure there’s an unspoken competition to see which of us can fill up their gas tank first, like I’m not worthy to breathe human-rated air if I’m still standing out in the cold when my GPN drives off, giggling gleefully under his/her/it's breath. This even happens when I offer a polite “HEY! YOU! IS YOUR HAIR SUPPOSED TO LOOK LIKE THAT OR DID YOU HAVE AN INDUSTRIAL ACCIDENT AT A BEET FACTORY?!”

It’s a little disturbing.

security envelopes

As I sat at my computer recently (just now), I noticed a box of 'Security Envelopes' sitting on my desk. Not only do they have a "Moisture Sealing Adhesive Flap" but they are also "Security Tinted for Confidential Mailings". Tinted like bullet-proof limousines. But more like easily ripped paper with a sort of dark blue ink blot on the inside.

I think 'Security Envelopes' should light on fire while spraying white phosphorous all over with a 180dB siren blaring as soon as anybody unauthorized tried to open them. That would be real security. I would even mail cash in an envelope like that.

Or they should at least get a badge.

topic change

So I don’t really mean to change the topic from Number 1 but on to Number 2 in the Things to Do In the Bathroom series. For example: build a canoe from fecal matter to paddle across the English Channel. You can re-read that if you’d like.

As it turns out, if you’re sitting on the sovereign litter box and the idea to build some sort of meadow muffin flotation device to propel yourself across one of the busiest shipping lanes in the world occurs to you, it doesn’t count. You would be too late. Also, you need to put some magazines in your loo. Also, also, you may very well get the idea AFTER you’re done sitting on the privy (I’ll let you use your imagination as to why). The idea doesn’t count then either.

Two guys actually made a canoe (really more like a kayak) out of recycled paper and grass. The paper was recycled by the two guys. The grass was recycled by sheep. Why one would do this is a mystery.

My word of advice if you do choose to do this: make sure you use floaters.

domesticated ungulate byproduct

Why is it that I can’t come up with something utterly revolting to sell to really gullible people? Something so absolutely revolting nobody in their right mind would ever remotely consider buying it. Ideally something people will put in their mouth. Something like a soft drink made out of cattle tinkle.

Oh wait. Too late.

Believe it or not, some guy in India is already making a soft drink out of bovine urine. I know. Delicious. Of course, he’s adding medicinal herbs like aloe vera and gooseberry. This is good because if you drink aloe vera, your tummy won’t hurt when it gets sunburned. Of course, that isn’t the only benefit: the drink is also supposed to cure obesity. Probably because after you drink cow pee nothing else is really appetizing. Ever.

On a completely separate note - there aren't very many synonyms for 'cow'.