dangerous walking

My company missed the memo that says motorcycle parking is always close to the door so when I ride the motorcycle in to work, I get to park at the very back of the parking lot.  That, in and of itself, is a lot of fun but but even more fun is the fact that sometimes I forget how long the parking lot is and on my way out of the office I put on my helmet about 10 yards out the front guard shack.  If I were parked where normal motorcycle parking is, I would be putting on my helmet just as I got to my parking space.

 

But I'm not.

 

Which means I get to wear a helmet as I walk the remaining 137 yards to where my bike is parked.  I like to pretend that wearing the helmet makes me safer because we have an extraordinarily dangerous parking lot, as though out of nowhere light posts could fall on my head or I could fall into a sinkhole or a maniacal disgruntled employee will try to run me down and only by wearing a helmet will I be safe.  But really it's no more dangerous than any other parking lot and probably even safer than most.  So I just look like a dork.

 

As a note: riding a motorcycle is not nearly as cool when you look like a dork.

 

As another note: this blog entry is not about poop.  You're welcome, Christen.

return fire

I just had a poop emergency. I had to pull into a gas station and just barely made it before utterly destroying their toilet. I felt bad afterwards so I bought a dollar candy bar. I definitely did not buy a compensatory amount of merchandise. It's the cheapest toilet I have ever destroyed.

I was feeling really bad for Gas Station Guy Ben because if his sense of smell is even a fraction that of a dog, his eyes will have begun bleeding long ago. And he was alone in there so there's a fair chance his curled up body, with stale licorice sticks shoved up his nose, won't be found until tomorrow. But now that I think about it a little more, I like to think this is my own little way of gas price inflation payback.

Fighting gas with gas. It's brilliant.

personalized gift

People say the best kind of gifts are the ones that come from the heart; the homemade gifts that really show you put some thought and deliberation into whatever present you're bestowing upon the gracious receiver. I don't necessarily agree with this philosophy. I think guns are a way better gift than something homemade. Unless it's a homemade gun. That's a pretty good gift.

However, if make the fairly good assumption that I have no idea what I'm talking about and pretend just for a minute that homemade, heartfelt gifts really are the best kind of gift, I would like to say that if any of you get a sweater from me for Christmas or your birthday or some other momentous occasion in your life, you can be rest assured that it will be the best, most heartfelt gift you'll ever (ever) receive.

Because I'm going to make it from my back fur.

You're welcome.

flatulence breakdown

I read once that dogs have a sense of smell anywhere from 10,000-100,000 times more sensitive than that of a human.  This allows them to not only smell much better than we do and to smell things we would never normally be able to smell, but to distinguish between smells much better than we do as well.  The example I remember was that of a chocolate chip cookie: we smell the chocolate chip cookie as a whole, dogs can smell the individual ingredients of the chocolate chip cookie - the flour, the sugar, the baking soda, and eggs all come out as individual smells to a dog.  This is why they're able to locate individual scents within a whole conglomeration of different smells.

 

So this raises the question, if a dog truly can smell individual smells as outlined, what do they smell when you flatulate?  What kind of farticulate breakdown would that result in?  Bruce seems to become rather interested in my buttock area whenever I happen to 'vent' (which is a VERY rare occurrence, I assure you, and when it does happen, it always smells like daisies in the breeze), so it's kind of an interesting question.

 

Also, I'm pretty sure they can't smell 10,000 times better than humans because if they could, Bruce would be dead.  The only time I've seen him be uninterested in chasing a ball was after another member of my household (who shall remain unnamed to protect her identity) pootered.  Bruce made a very firm decision to sit on the other side of the room until he moved into the kitchen.  He's a pretty smart dog.

Fun at the Mall of America aquarium

Our little bumbo guy!

Baby Boy

Tonight I again realized how blessed we are as a little family.  I was rocking our little guy and as I watched him sleep in my arms I couldn't get over how perfect he was.  He is such a wonderful little baby. He is happy all the time and so ready to smile.  I hope I never forget his adorable little 3 month old baby smile.  As I had him cuddled up in my arms I just realized how much I want to remember that moment and enjoy it because time is already going so fast.  He is such an amazing little guy and we are so blessed to have him in our family. 

soul glue

The other day I pulled out a rather obtrusive nose hair.  This was not an ordinary nose hair, for this particular nose hair was the single most important cellular structure on my entire body.  This particular nose hair was the very essence of my entire being.  As soon as I jerked it out, my soul fell apart.  Pain beyond that of even the worst toe cramp immediately shot through every fiber of my body.  Tears began streaming down my face.  I started sneezing uncontrollably over and over.  Involuntary shudders caused my arms and hands to quake.  My knees began to buckle and I grasped at the sink for support.  I saw the brilliant light of sweet release coming closer and closer.  The angelic voices of Heaven's host sang sweetly their beckoning song of welcome.

I had found my foundation; my cornerstone.  And then ripped it carelessly from the caverns of my nostril.

I should have just braided it in with the rest of them.

New Pics of our little family

New Pics

New Pics of Baby Boy.

How fast they change!

They grow so fast!

1 Week Old

 













2 Weeks Old

3 Weeks Old

Easton Colt was born Tuesday at 3:06 a.m. and weighed 7 lb 15 oz.  My water broke at 1 am Monday and then the doctors decided on a C-section 26 hours later!  But it was well worth it and our little baby boy came to us safe and sound.  He has been a great baby and eats and sleeps really well.  Thanks for all your prayers and well wishes.

poop rocket

Easton can shoot poop from his bum. So far, his best record is around 14 inches which turns out to be about the distance from one couch cushion to the other. Melissa won't let me see if I can beat him.

weird initials

An ECP is an Engineering Change Proposal. It's also all of these:

Enhanced Capability Port
Electromagnetic Compatibility Program
Electronic Communications in Probability
École Centrale Paris
Extended Capabilities Port
Encryption Control Protocol
Escadrilles Canadiennes de Plaisance
eosinophil cationic protein
Election Commission of Pakistan
Emergency Conservation Program
East Coast Parkway
Emergency Contraceptive Pill
Empty Category Principle
External Counterpulsation
Electronic Check Presentment
East Coast Park
Estradiol Cypionate
Emergency Care Practitioner
Employee Concerns Program
Eye Care Practitioner
Enlisted Commissioning Program
Effective Core Potential
Electrochemical Plating
Early Commissioning Program
Electron Capture
Eye Care Provider
European Cancer Prevention Organization
Enhanced Call Processing
European Common Proposal
Environmental Condition of Property
Electrochemical Corrosion Potential
External Casing Packer
Essential Community Provider
Experimental and Clinical Psychopharmacology
Extended Cutting Plane
Export Control Program
Electron Channeling Pattern
Executive Cellular Processor
Essence Communications Partners
Endoscopic Cyclo Photocoagulation
Empresa Colombiana de Petróleos
Earth Contact Products
Estimated Critical Position
Error Correction Protocol
Episcopal Church At Princeton
Electricity Capacity Planning
Elderly Cancer Patients
Entrepreneurial Competitive Profile
Employee Contribution Project
Emergency Call Processing
Enhanced Communication Protocol
Emission Control Program
Equivalent Circuit Parameter
Executive Control Program
Exposed Conductive Part
Emergency Contraception/Contraceptive Pill
Effective Communities Project
Eosinophil Chemotactic Protein
Electronic Check Presentation
Exercise Control Plan
Engineers' Club of Philadelphia
Exchange Coupled Pair
Extended Care Physicians
Events Center Paddock
Equipment Change Proposal
Emergency Command Precedence/Procedure
Environmental Control Processor
Equipment Collection Point
Excessive Cross-Post(ing)
East Capitol Pensionne
Exception Report Collection Process
Emergency Change Proposal
Emergency Cleanup Powder
Empowerment Contracting Program
Environment Compliance Plan
Electric Cooling Pump
Extended Care Paramedic
Expected Coverage Plan
Electronic Product Codec
Environmental Control Panel
Energy Conservation Product
Excepted Coverage Plan
Equivalent Component Pair
External Compliance Plan
Electronic Change Permit
Eject Chamber Pressure
Electronic Combat Pilot
European Chiefs of Police
EVGA Control Panel
Electronically Controlled Pneumatic
E-Commerce Platform
Early Commencement Program
Extended Care Program
Echo Chamber Project
Erosion Control Products
Environmental Conservation Program
Eye Care Professional
Entry Control Point
Early College Program
European Commercial Paper
Escherichia Coli Common Pilus

But my most favorite definition for ECP is Easton Colt Pierce who was born into our little family at 03:06 June 5, 2012 weighing 7 lbs 15 oz and measuring 21" with a 14" circumference head.

If the circumference of your head was 66.7% your height, people would laugh at you.

just in

Apparently, we're having a baby. Today. I guess that means we won't need to take a picture next to the wall this morning.

class of '99

PriZam,

Wow! Like, how totally awesome that you're finally graduated! That's, like, so cool! I can't believe these last, like, nine years have gone by so, like, totally fast! It's almost like we were so awesome we were, like, moving faster than light years or something!

You were so cool! Oh, except for the last couple of years when you couldn't hold your R-134 air conditioning coolant. That was, like, definitely not cool. More like scorching hot. Which was, like definitely not so good when you were bringing all my coworkers from Promontory and, like, totally overheated forcing us to sit at the bottom of the Magna hill for 35 minutes in the, like, 104 degree heat with the heater on while we waited for you to cool down. That was, like, also definitely not cool.

But that's totally okay because your awesome anti-theft device was the awesomest. Like, who would have thought letting totally bad guys IN the car but totally not letting bad guys OUT of the car would be such an awesome theft deterrent! It's like you totally meant to break all four of your inside door handles. Twice.

And I, like, LO-VED the way you never used to need an oil change! It's like you totally knew we wouldn't ever, like, actually do it so you just, like, dribbled it out so we would have to add more every month. That was, like, so awesome! I totally wonder why new cars don't have self-cleaning oil systems like that.

Oh, and the way you always tried to save us money by not having us have to buy, like, windshield washer fluid - that was like you were so far ahead of the whole 'green' thing that, like, everyone except Kermit the Frog is talking about. That's so cool how you, like, totally didn't care if the windshield was dirty and would just use the rain to clean it off. It's like people are so, like, reliant on the squirter things and stuff.

So there are, like, so many other things that you are, like, so good at! You totally should have been voted Most Likely To Never Die Even When Everyone Else Wanted You To. It's, like, so not fair that you were totally replaced by that new car. Like, what a jerk face thing to, like, do! You totally deserve better!

Never change!

<3

Justin

9 Months and Counting

But that still means four weeks left (or more or less!)

pure genius

Testing the new baby monitor seemed like a really good idea.  It's possible that testing it by telling Melissa to stay in the living room with the parent unit while I took the nursery unit into 'a different room' to broadcast a rather raucous session of throne sitting was a less good idea.

For her.

For me: pure comedic genius.

learning opportunity

Many moons ago, I took a history of creativity course as an elective because it sounded like a cakewalk class I wanted to be learned.  The final for that course consisted of building/performing/making a major project that was then showcased for the entire university to praise and adore.  For my project, I built a soapbox derby car painted to look like a Curtiss P-40 Warhawk from WWII.  I'm sure I don't have to say this, but yes, it was as awesome as you think it was.  It was even better because the derby car was fully functional. 

In fact, it was functional enough that I took it down a rather large hill.  Except that when I say 'fully functional', I actually mean, 'everything pretty much works except mostly the brake and sometimes, if it's going too fast, the wheels fall off'.  I found this out because the hill I took it down falls into the 'I guess the push start was wholly unnecessary...' category.

It was awesome.

Or at least it would have been, had my wonderful wife not decided to start screaming instead of continuing filming when I spun around backwards, the wheel fell off, and the brake kind of broke a little, sending me careening towards a certain doom also known as The Sidewalk where I only slide on my head a little bit.  This is where Melissa could use Archie D'Mello as a learning opportunity.  Archie D'Mello understands that pictures last a lifetime and pictures make the story all that much better. 

That's why Archie D'Mello took pictures as his wife was attacked by cheetahs at a petting zoo in South Africa. Of course.

poor effort

I'm a little disappointed in my neighbors. This year's Dandelion Growing Contest was an absolute blowout. I didn't even have to try and I smoked pretty much everyone in the entire neighborhood. In fact, it's almost as though nobody else even WANTED dandelions - I couldn't see a single one on any of their lawns. There was definitely a serious lack of commitment on their parts.

What a lame contest.