The Pierce's Pontification

poll closed

2012-01-27T21:32:00.001-07:00

The majority of you are losers. How does that feel?

I think it feels great. But then again, I wasn't in the majority.

high class

2012-01-21T15:35:00.000-07:00

As I was reading through posts made over the last couple of years I noticed that this blog has a fairly high percentage of potty related posts. This is wholly unacceptable and I definitely feel the need to do something to rectify the situation. After all, this is supposed to be a family friendly blog.

As such, I would like to let you all know that Melissa's pregnancy has some weird side-effects; namely when I pee, she barfs.

That should bump our percentage from 'fairly high' to 'high'.

new possibilities

2012-01-14T23:55:00.001-07:00

I think everyone has at least one ethereal experience that really can't be compared to anything they've ever experienced before. As Melissa and I prepare to become parents, I had one of those good fortunes. I'm sure you're all wondering what could have created such a feeling of elation and euphoria so I'll tell you.

I found out that I may have the opportunity to someday own a goat riding monkey. Don't worry, I too was floored by the mere possibility.

Unfortunately, the wait could be long and tedious as the only goat riding monkey that I've ever heard of was in China and had the bad habit of riding his goat into a neighboring farmer's field and "eating and causing trouble". It was a pretty smart monkey though - it would wait until there were no workers in the field before commencing his shenanigans.

I would train my goat riding monkey to be more respectful.

big surprise

2012-01-04T16:09:00.000-07:00

I think a pretty big surprise would be if somebody you were looking at suddenly woke up, then died. I think an even bigger surprise would be if that person you were looking at was laying in a coffin and you thought they were already dead.

That's kind of what happened to a guy in Russia. His wife had a heart attack and the doctors told him she was dead. Then, during the funeral, she woke up. Surprise! Then she died. Surprise again! She died because all of her friends and family were standing around her mourning that she was dead. It shocked her so much that now she is. I'm not sure if that means people would have said she was predictable or not.

I guess that really saves time on planning the funeral though. Of course, without any kind of embalming, it kind of sounds like the lady was sort of stuck in a box at the lowest price possible, so maybe the guy wasn't really out all that much in the first place. But at least you don't have to return all the condolence potatoes and vodka.

Merry Christmas 2011

2011-12-29T10:37:00.004-07:00

Merry Christmas to all of our family and friends this year. We were in Minnesota this year for a quiet Christmas.

With lots of good gifts!

And time to finish some new projects. Which do you think we will need to decorate the nursery?

Yes - It's true - We are expecting next June. Not sure yet if it is a boy or a girl. We are thrilled with this wonderful upcoming addition to our family.

better idea

2011-12-26T20:10:00.001-07:00

I don't know how exactly to say that my life is complete. Other than saying that my life is complete.

Last week I found out that Melissa and I are finally able to buy purses made out of whole toads. I know. You're as surprised as I was. And when I say whole toads, I actually do mean 'whole toads'. Like with all four legs and the head. The opening is strategically located as to not interfere with the attached head, meaning: the opening is the tooshie. This means that everytime you go for your chapstick, it's like giving a protological exam to a genuine cane toad. That's nice because you get to feel like a doctor everytime you need your license. It's not so nice because it's not really the kind of doctor most people aspire to and...well...it's a toad. A toad rectum to be more precise. This is somewhat of a downfall.

The enterprising individuals at www.toadshop.com selling the "Four Leg Cane Toad Shoulder Purse" also offer a "Cane Toad Leather Handbag". Unfortunately, it does not include a toad head (but it does have a toad foot for the zipper pull so...bonus).

This may be the only time in the history of all mankind that the statement "the zipper pull has a small toad foot but there are no toad heads on this purse" is considered a negative.

good idea

2011-12-22T10:42:00.001-07:00

The other day I saw an old van turned into a taxi. On the side it said "Rides for All Ages" and had hand painted stars and rainbows all over it. I would definitely call some guy in an old Doge Caravan to come give my kids a ride. I'm pretty sure that guy is 100% on the level because that's not creepy at all. I wonder if he also has puppies and kittens and hands out pieces of candy outside the elementary school.

exciting news

2011-12-03T21:27:00.001-07:00

We have some very exciting news to share. After many, many years of (sometimes impatiently waiting), Melissa and I have found out that we are able to buy tea made from elephant poo. Although we don't drink tea, supposedly, it has a very nutty flavor. This is earth shattering. Never in all of my many years would I imagine that there would be such a fantastic and innovative product available.

So, now you all know.

A year of posts

2011-10-13T19:18:00.023-06:00

So, we haven't been very good at posting this year and it has been a pretty eventful one. We are approaching our 18 month mark of being official Minnesotans. The time has flown by! Starting at the beginning - the trip out here allowed us to hit a few hot spots along the way.

Bruce wasn't allowed into the park but he was a good boy waiting in the car. Bruce was fantastic on the ride out here.

Our trip out here allowed Justin to make his journey to Sturgis.

We have enjoyed some fun activities while we've been here. This one was for my birthday last year - we had phenomenal seats thanks to Justin.

Our county is the 'self proclaimed' Halloween capital of the world and we jumped on the bandwagon pretty quickly.

As did Bruce. Justin wonders why I didn't get the cowboy costume but you have to admit this one is way better.

Justin thinks he looks cooler this way.

Last year, I had the opportunity to go to Missouri to see a few old college friends. It was a wonderful trip and I was glad I was so close to be able to go.

This summer we had lots of visitors as well. First, my big sis and her boys came to visit. We showed them 'Tinysota' as they liked to call it. Of course we had to go do all the fun stuff.

Mall of America - including the American Girl Store and the amusement park.

Church too!
Como Zoo in St. Paul

This year I also hit a pretty big birthday and we had some wonderful friends who made a mess in our yard :) It was fantastic. Thanks ladies.

I had the opportunity to attend girls camp too.

Then we had more wonderful visits from more family. Justin's sister came to visit and we took her to the sculpture garden near Stillwater.

And Taylors Falls. By the way, there are no falls at Taylors Falls - it's very misleading.

This turtle almost became our new pet. Justin rescued it off the side of the road, brought it home, stuck it in the bath tub and let me find it on my own. If I had let him keep the video he took when I found 'James' I'm sure it would already have been posted!

Justin has continued a few of his favorite hobbies here too. I think he should try out for Top Shot on History Channel.

And another ongoing project below. Still a work in progress but with a lot of potential.

Last month we had a wonderful visit from Justin's parents and visited Gooseberry Falls up north.

Like father like son.

And I just can't resist posting these. Our 'adopted' dog I suppose.

It's been quite a year!

happy birthday

2011-10-12T08:10:00.001-06:00

Dear iAn,

Happy birthday. I hope that it is filled with much joy and not so much sorrow and that all your dreams may come true except the wholly inappropriate ones that involve gerbils, glue, and a crowbar. But it is your birthday so if you really want those dreams to come true, I guess that would be okay. But only today. After today those dreams coming true will just lead to the painful feeling arising from the consciousness of having done something dishonorable, improper, ridiculous, etcetera otherwise known as 'shame' which is pretty significantly different than a person who acts as intermediary between the natural and supernatural worlds, using magic to cure illness, foretell the future, control spiritual forces, etcetera otherwise known as 'shaman' even though they are pretty close to each other spelling-wise.

Speaking of spelling, my auto-correct auto-corrects 'i snot' to 'is not'. Given the number of times I type 'I snot', it's kind of frustrating. I'm sure you understand.

Love-even-though-you-peed-on-my-head-while-I-was-sleeping-on-your-bedroom-floor,

Justin

prototype testing

2011-05-28T13:21:00.000-06:00

Guess what I got to do the other day. I got to test a prototype night vision monocular from a long time ago that we found in a closet at work. It was awesome.

Guess what else I got to do the other day. Get stuck in the closet for 45 minutes because the door jammed shut while I was testing a prototype night vision monocular from a long time ago that we found in a closet at work. It kind of put a damper on the excitement of testing a prototype night vision monocular from a long time ago that we found in a closet at work. Especially because Melissa was gone on a business trip and wasn't expected to be home for another 27 hours. Also, my phone was on the table downstairs. Bruce was laying outside the door so I told him to go get the phone but he just wandered away. Rin Tin Tin has nothing to worry about from Bruce.

You know the stories about old people that fall down and nobody finds their decomposing corpse for a couple of months because nobody cares about old people? That's the kind of thought I was thinking. All in all, it was kind of funny for the first 5 minutes. The last 40 minutes weren't so enjoyable.

going out

2011-05-21T16:46:00.000-06:00

I think cremation might not be the worst way to find your final resting place. That way everyone remembers that you kind of smelled like bacon. Especially at the end.

Now I'm hungry.

good book

2011-05-18T22:39:00.001-06:00

I just found a book that I think could be a stroke of pure genius. It is so good that I am staying up way past my bedtime just to write about it. In fact, it is so unbelievably awesome that it may win whatever prize really good books win. It is called (and I'm not making this part up): OUCH! It Hurts When I Poop!

I know: pure, unadulterated brilliance. In fact, I'm betting that 90% of both of my readers are googling it right now. Although I've never read it, solely based on the title and the pictures of fruit on the cover, it is veritably in a class of it's own. Way better than the Everybody Poops book of which Melissa and I have received at least two copies. Of course everybody poops. Duh. But what do you do when pooping hurts? That's the question that can finally be answered thanks to OUCH! It Hurts When I Poop!, a book with true purpose. I would also like to point out that this is, in fact, a poem. A poem which "will help a lot!" (taken directly from the introduction). It will probably help a lot because exclamation points are used everywhere in this book! Of course, exclamation points may also be exhaustively used because if it hurts when you're pooping, you're probably using a few exclamation points of your own.

I think I'm going to get this for my in-laws. They can put it next to the copy of Who Cares About Elderly People? I got them for Christmas a couple years ago.

I'm such a good son-in-law.

international sports

2011-05-17T20:54:00.000-06:00

A German named Elmar recently won the title of World's Best Beard in the biannual 'Worlds Best Beard and Mustache Championship'. His winning beard was sculpted into the shape of what the news said was a moose but what really looked like a caribou. Apparently, when your name is 'Elmar' you are able to grow a beard to your waist and then mold it into the shape of a caribou. This is most likely because you aren't married. Which is completely ridiculous. What woman wouldn't want to be married to the man who won (quote) "the premier event in the international sport of bearding"?

I'm fairly certain that "the international sport of bearding" is the also the most lazy sport of them all. You don't even have to do anything. You just sit there and hair grows out your face. I'm participating RIGHT NOW. And I'm not wearing pants. Which makes 'the international sport of bearding' also the most awesome sport of them all. I'm practically a semi-pro.

birthday present

2011-05-09T21:05:00.000-06:00

My dad told me he really wanted one of his lovely daughters or his youngest son or his beautiful wife (but definitely not his eldest son and heir to all that he has) to get him this t-shirt for his birthday:

If you read the reviews on Amazon, you'll definitely understand why he wants it so badly. That said: who's going to pony up and get it for him?

If 'Three Wolf Moon' isn't your style, he also said you could get him this one:

Just a hint: if you get a size medium, he won't have to cut off the bottom in order for his belly button to show.

nerd extraordinaire

2011-05-08T20:36:00.001-06:00

I'm making this into a t-shirt.

to dad

2011-05-07T16:30:00.001-06:00

There once was a man named David

Whose nose hairs could all be braided.

His kids took a survey:

“It must be his birthday

It’s surprising how much he’s aged.”

wise choices

2011-04-27T17:36:00.000-06:00

I was watching a fantastic series on Discovery Channel called Human Planet. They mentioned the Dorobo tribe of Kenya who who happens to have (by now it may be 'had') one of the last guys to know how to steal food from lions. I thought they could have been a little more creative than just saying he was one of the last ones to know how to steal food from lions. For example, I think it would have been much better to save that for a quiz question at the commercial break.

Q: There are how many Dorobo left who don't know what happened to the last 18 guys that tried to steal food from lions?
A) Everybody knows you don't steal food from lions. Duh.
B) I'm kind of new here, but that has poor choice written all over it.
C) I thought this was supposed to be Avatar.
D) One. His name is Rikita and we're going to show him trying to steal food from lions. We're hoping it ends up like a bad NASCAR crash so stay tuned.

And for those of you who really want to know what happens...http://dsc.discovery.com/videos/human-planet-stealing-meat-from-lions.html.

strep throat

2011-04-27T16:36:00.000-06:00

I can't swallow anything. All I've eaten since Sunday afternoon is half a salad, most of a bowl of ice cream, a banana, most of a bowl of soup, and a yogurt. I'm starving. My body is becoming stronger by the second as it learns to fight off the attacks from itself. And then it has to fight the fighting off. It's a vicious cycle to become superhuman.

yay interweb

2011-04-22T14:28:00.002-06:00

Now that it's 2011, we finally have the interweb at our house. This means that I no longer have an excuse for not posting. So I might.

weight watchers

2011-03-04T15:35:00.001-07:00

I walked past a conference room and saw that lunch was being served. I almost went in to get some but was told it was a Weight Watchers meeting. I still would have taken some but I had already eaten an upsized 5-piece chicken tenders meal from Hardee's. I feel so dirty.

slow progress

2010-12-01T16:51:00.000-07:00

Not for lack of want and surely not for lack of 'material', the training has been going slower than anticipated...

snow names

2010-11-26T11:16:00.002-07:00

It's said that the Eskimos have hundreds of different names for snow. I'm not really interested in names for snow. I'm more interested in names in snow. I thought about this during today's morning constitutional with Bruce: how awesome would it be to teach him to write his name in the snow? Very. That's how awesome it would be.

Unfortunately, it's much harder than you might think.

cellar door

2010-11-24T20:58:00.001-07:00

In the bracing world of 'phonaesthetics' (a word that only exists in the bracing world of 'phonaesthetics') the phrase 'cellar door' is considered the most generally appealing in the English language. The research that went into this was categorically the best use of money ever. It's probably also the most useless piece of information that I (and now you) know.

Of course, this hasn't stopped people from turning it into a name (Selador or Sellador). This means that Hermit Hortense now has a definite competitor on my list of beautiful names.

Unfortunately, 'cellar door' doesn't sound nearly as well in Macedonian. I'm also betting it's not as alluring when Stephen Hawking says it either.

perplexing question

2010-10-22T09:30:00.001-06:00

I just read an article about a woman who stored the placentas from two separate child births for a couple of years. This, while in and of itself is 100% completely normal, caught the attention of the media because she eventually decided to dispose of them on Maori land and (quote) "the method of disposal was not in keeping with Maori cultural protocols and the area was a place that Maori were unlikely to use for this purpose".

So, the question is: if you were to eat the placentas on Maori land, would that still be considered 'not keeping with Maori cultural protocols' and are the Maori sitting on an undiscovered gold mine in the placenta disposal market?

Also, does anyone actually believe that I'm serious about anything placenta related not being utterly disgusting?

The world is ending

2010-10-20T20:56:00.002-06:00

The world must be ending b/c I finally joined Facebook. Things can only go downhill from here.

break in

2010-10-20T15:41:00.000-06:00

Somebody broke in to our apartment this afternoon. I saw him when I came home for lunch and tried to chase him but he got away. He stole an entire row of the brownies Melissa was saving. So if she asks, that's what happened.

On a completely unrelated note, I should probably go out running more often.

Justin's Award

2010-10-18T21:24:00.003-06:00

Congratulations to Justin - he was awarded the District Award of Merit for the Salt Lake Council area.

http://gslc-bsa.org/openrosters/ViewOrgPageLink.asp?LinkKey=28594&orgkey=1728

Since the Salt Lake Council doesn't exactly have a fantastic award site, here is some more info on it

http://usscouts.org/awards/distawardmerit.asp

Congratulations!

no explanation

2010-10-18T19:32:00.000-06:00

Melissa's Quote of the Day: "My gosh, they're so fat."

google search

2010-10-12T16:44:00.001-06:00

Somebody pinged our blog using the Google search "restulex reviews". That's especially impressive because The Pierce's Pontification was the 136th search result for that particular search at the time of this writing.

Whomever that somebody was really did have restless legs and to them I say, "You probably also have Cousin Oliver Syndrome so...good luck with that."

appropriate behavior

2010-10-12T16:36:00.000-06:00

I understand that after moving to Minnesota, we've entered a completely new societal paradigm. I also understand that certain things usually seen as socially unacceptable may be completely normal here in the upper mid-West. In fact, just the other day, I was thinking to myself, "Self, I wonder if there is anywhere in the contiguous United States that has both a population above thirteen and a completely accepting opinion concerning urinating out the upper apartment bedroom window."

This is something that one would think one would never run across. Really. I never in my wildest dreams (including the infamous Zombie Golf Polo Dream) would have thought I would be wondering that. But I did. And that's the scary part.

Actually, let me be clear, there was an instigating situation which led to the pondering. Namely, the situation was as follows: my upstairs neighbor was peeing out his window in the middle of the night. No really. He was. I know. Awesome.

Let me paint the picture for you. It's Saturday night. Melissa and I had been down in Minneapolis to see Brian Regan perform and we got back rather late. I wasn't really tired and needed to work on some stuff for our church assignment (I still don't believe it's a calling) and so was up rather late/early. At approximately 0142hrs, I decided to turn in for the night and was just getting all snuggled up under the blankets when I heard the most unusual sound outside the window directly over my head. In fact, the sound wasn't all THAT unusual as I hear it at least twice a day, usually in the bathroom area of the house as I tinkle. Thinking that our neighborhood drunk guy (what? you don't have a neighborhood drunk guy?) might be micturating on my baby-that-doesn't-sleep-with-me-because-Melissa-won't-let-motorcycles-in-the-house, peeked out the blinds to see what was going on.

And that's when I saw The Stream. That's right, The Stream. Coming all the way from above where I was just getting ready to sleep. It was very disturbing. And it went on forever. It was like I-80 going through Wyoming. I closed the window and told Melissa that I had a new most disgusting thing to beat out her "Dead Birds in the Parking Lot".

So now I'm left wondering: if you're on the bottom floor, can you still pee out the window?

word pronunciation

2010-09-03T11:43:00.000-06:00

Some words should be pronounced more eloquently than the standard pronunciation. Like 'neuter'. I think 'neuter' should be pronounced 'noo-TAIR'.

'Noo-TAIR' sounds more like an exotic plastic surgery and less like hundreds of thousands of years of evolutionary progress designed to ensure the most stalwart and desirable traits are passed from generation to generation in the never-ending quest to become the ultimate predator have been utterly destroyed in a half hour by some guy who didn't even take you out to dinner first.

I think the same is true for 'va-MEET'.

snip snip

2010-09-02T17:16:00.000-06:00

Bruce underwent what was for him a VERY disappointing surgery today and while he was in dreamland the veterinarian cleaned his teeth. Melissa's comment was, "I bet his teeth are sore like how they are after you go to the dentist."

I'm fairly certain my teeth would be relatively low on my priority list if I were Bruce.

I hope he dreamed of golden retrievers.

suicidal kitty

2010-08-13T12:33:00.004-06:00

Quantum Suicide is a thought experiment designed by physicists to defy laws of conservation of mass and energy and completely confuse people. Basically, the experiment goes as follows:

A suicidal man (whom we'll call George) is locked in a room with a button. Every time George pushes the button, a device measures the spin on a quark which is assumed to only have a clockwise or counter-clockwise rotation which changes randomly. This device is connected to a bomb that will immediately destroy the room and everything in it if the device detects a counterclockwise rotation but will only click if a clockwise spin is detected. Quantum physics would suggest that no matter how many times or how often George pushes the button, all he will ever hear is a click. "How can that be?" you question quizzically, "it seems as though there is a 50% chance George will become lots of little George-bits, which are slightly more tender and less salty than, but not as satisfying as, bacon-bits."

Well, here's the tricky bit: every time the man pushes the button, he makes a decision and for every decision made, the universe splits into parallel paths that account for all possible outcomes for that decision. I know. Weird. Basically, if you were to observe the experiment from the same room, you have a 50% chance of becoming intimately familiar with a gut-pulverizing supersonic pressure wave followed by a flesh melting gas bubble and bone searing particle impingement experiment which would ultimately (very short ultimately) lead to your 'ceasing to exist'. From George's perspective, all he ever experiences is pushing the button because his conscious obviously follows the split where he doesn't cease to exist. It's really very simple.

So let's make it more complicated and add a kitty, Schrodinger's Cat to be specific.

Schrodinger's Cat is another physicist's thought experiment (I think physicists need to get real jobs or finish their Phds if they have enough time to think up fake experiments) which puts a cat (who we'll call Max) in a sealed box that has no external stimuli (i.e. you can't see, smell, touch, taste, hear in it or out of it). In the box with Max are a Geiger counter, a vial of radioactive material, and some deadly poison for good luck. If the Geiger counter detects any radioactive decay (leak from the vial), it will automatically trigger the deadly poison (not just any poison, deadly poison) which will instantly create a dead kitty much like Fudgy. "Finally, a beneficial use for all those things in my basement!" you proclaim excitedly.

But alas, here we go with the tricky bit again…because there is no way to tell what state of aliveness Max is in, he exists in both states, alive and dead, until there is an external force applied (as in, someone opens the box because they're curious and don't understand the effects of potentially releasing toxic chemicals in their face). Basically, until we look in the box, we have an undead dead cat, which I think is the exact definition of a zombie cat.

Let's recap: we now have Immortal George, who has devised the most complicated contraption ever for offing himself but still can't make it work, and Zombie Max, who is both alive and dead at the same time but as soon as you try to find out which is which immediately becomes one or the other.

So...what happens if Zombie Max is the one performing Immortal George's experiment? Does he always hear a click AND always get vaporized? Does he push the button AND not push the button at the same time? Is he still found frozen stiff curled up under a tree stump by an impressionable group of young adolescents after 'visiting the neighbors' all winter AND happily frolicking, inciting the innocent laughter of children while chasing butterflies on the warm summer lawn? It's all very troubling…

smart dog

2010-08-07T12:35:00.000-06:00

If the Beggin' Strips dog had half a brain, this is how he would get his bacon.

The Birthday that just keeps going!

2010-07-30T22:43:00.006-06:00

Even though my birthday was a month ago, the day finally came for us to use the present Justin gave me. So, here it is:

And - we got on the jumbo tron! The cameraman sat down in the seat behind us for a minute then he put us up on the Jumbo tron - it was pretty cool.

Flugtag

2010-07-25T07:25:00.010-06:00

Well, we've only seen it on You Tube before but yesterday we got to see it in person. The Red Bull Flugtag.

hearing aid

2010-07-18T16:52:00.000-06:00

If I had a hearing aid I would turn it up really loud so I could hear what other people were talking about.

But then, when you think about it, isn't that kind of the whole idea?

Also, I would turn it up so it would squeal randomly. Then people would know when I'm tired of hearing them talk.

Birthday/Minnesota Happenings

2010-07-05T11:34:00.011-06:00

I felt I needed to go into more detail than Justin did about my birthday. Justin got me tickets to a twins game in July which I'm really excited about. Then we went to the bike shop and I got a new bike. Minnesota is full of trails everywhere so we thought it would be fun to go biking. Our bike ride was followed by dinner and a movie. It was an absolutely wonderful day. Below if a video of Justin and how he feels on my new bike.

We've settled into out apartment and I thought you'd all like to see how far we've come.

Old Living Room in our house:

New Living room in our apartment

Old kitchen in our house

New Kitchen in our new apartment

And the bathroom speaks for itself

And you can imagine what it smells like just based on the fact that this is only half of our air fresheners.

But we are enjoying it.

Here are some more pictures.

Lake Minnetonka

And Bruce

melissa's b-day

2010-07-03T11:38:00.002-06:00

Melissa had a birthday. She did some stuff.

happy juneteenth

2010-06-25T10:20:00.004-06:00

As you may very well be aware, Juneteenth is celebrated a little differently in the Midwest – it's more of a somber occasion, celebrated with the bi-annual Releasing of the Speckled Newts to acknowledge Father Igor the Hideously Disfigured's contributions to nightmarish bedtime stories. All the kids love chasing the newts down the street, picking them up, and throwing them into the Woodchipper of Doom. Everyone laughs and laughs until The Naughtiest Kid of Them All (as voted with a rousing game of Heads-up-7-up played by The Supreme Tribal Council) has his/her left foot customarily amputated. That's really when it gets somber. That, and during The Kitten Feeding (to the Dobermans).

Thanks to John for reminding me that yesterday was Juneteenth, also known as Emancipation Day or Freedom Day, the holiday celebrating the abolition of slavery.

that's irony

2010-06-03T11:19:00.001-06:00

Believe it or not, the US military screwed up when attempting a software update on their GPS system. The resulting glitch turned about 10,000 GPS recievers into expensive paperweights for about two weeks. But that's not really ironic. During the Gulf War, Saddam tried to jam GPS signals as the US invaded Iraq. However, his GPS jamming device was destroyed by a GPS-guided bomb. That's ironic. And funny.

incorrect wording

2010-05-21T10:22:00.001-06:00

I recently read an article about lab mice and how through years of inbreeding one has the capability of (basically) choosing exactly what kind of traits they would like exhibited in their lab mice. The article mentioned that the researcher who began this heroic effort, Dr. Little, received the Coley Award but stated that the Coley Award was an award given to those who oversaw the upkeep of lab mice. Before I derisively disparaged such an obviously awesome award, I decided to make sure that the award was indeed given to those taking care of lab mice. Good thing I did - the award is actually given to "one or more scientists for outstanding achievements in the field of basic immunology and cancer immunology." Boy would I have looked like an idiot.

Instead, I'll just wonder if they're going to make up an award for inbreeding people from the south. They could call it the Kin-breeding Award. They're probably not going to.

Also, I thought my little play on words (kin-breeding vs in-breeding) was pure comedic genius. I'm still giggling.

Minnesota Observations

2010-05-21T09:09:00.004-06:00

I realize that people are the same no matter where you go. You run into the same types of people everywhere. On Sunday, I actually ran into someone I worked with 6 months ago at Zions. When I saw her I thought to myself - isn't it funny that she looks just like that girl I knew at Zions - people are really just the same no matter where you go. In this case - they were the exact same.

I've also noticed a few other things about Minnesota

1) People don't drive over 70.

2) Highway Patrol cars are brown.

3) You can't get anywhere without a GPS.

4) Streets like 35W do not run East/West as the name suggests - instead it runs North/South. Instead we think it is 35W b/c it lies West of some other random road in the state - we're still figuring this one out.

5) There are about a million little trails to walk on that Bruce just loves - and lots of squirrels for him to try to chase.

6) We have just entered "construction season" as more than one person called it.

7) I've only seen outdoor malls and indoor waterparks - none of the opposite.

8) The people are genuinely nice and kind.

We're enjoying it here so far and are looking forward to the next few months to get settled. Bruce has already settled in and we may regret teaching him to get on the couch at the hotel.

We Made It!

2010-05-09T17:23:00.004-06:00

We made it and had some fun along the way. Bruce was fantastic and slept half the way - without the aid of the Benadryl I brought along just in case.

We saw about 200 signs about this place in the middle of South Dakota so of course we had to stop there. I'm sure Justin will post the picture of me singing with a stuffed monkey later on.

Bruce was fantastic!

Bruce was whining pretty good as we went through Bear Country USA. I made Justin put the windows up so he wouldn't jump out or get eaten by a mountain lion or bear.

Mount Rushmore of course.

And Sturgis - I'm not convinced I want to come back during the rally in the summer.

Outside the Wright Museum (not the one you would think) in Wright, Wyoming.

valuable incontinence

2010-05-05T15:36:00.001-06:00

Incontinence.

The word alone really needs no further illustration but if I didn't write anything else, I couldn't blither on and on about the increasing value of old people. For years and years, old people were seen only as a drain on society; using valuable resources which could be delegated to much more important tasks like showing that cows who have names give more milk than cows who don't have names or inventing a brassiere that (in case of an emergency, of course) can quickly be converted into a face mask. However, this antiquated thinking has been revolutionized with the advent of the SFD Recycle System.

Now, as long as there is a need for energy, there will be a need for old people. And no, the SFD does not recycle old people, rather it recycles old people's recyclings reclaimed from old people's diapers. What a boon for all of humanity!

Also, the important tasks mentioned earlier are real so don't try to go patent jumping. It won't work.

bad surprise

2010-05-03T11:42:00.001-06:00

A Utah woman was sentenced to 30 days in jail after telling her husband she had a surprise for him, sitting him in a chair, blindfolding him, and then hitting him on the head with a hammer.

I'm betting he was pretty surprised.

epic tales

2010-03-30T11:02:00.001-06:00

The Epic of Gilgamesh is commonly accepted as the first written work by a named author in the history of civilization. This is interesting because I'm pretty sure if I were the first author ever and I were chiseling into stone tablets I would have chosen a much shorter name than 'Gilgamesh' as the hero figure in my narrative prose. Something akin to 'Joe' or 'Pete' or maybe 'Bob'. Also, there are probably a lot of grammatical errors. The First Editor Ever job was probably a hard one.

On the other hand, 'Humbaba the Terrible' is a pretty sweet name for a villain and may very well be what I name my kids hamster.

post script

2010-03-18T18:18:00.002-06:00

We're moving to Minnesota.

peanut nirvana

2010-03-18T16:07:00.001-06:00

There is nothing better than opening a new jar of peanut butter to gaze soulfully on the creamy brown goodness swirled crisply therein while gently piercing the smooth surface with sparkling silver knife and spreading it smoothly onto a freshly baked piece of warm homemade bread.

Unless you're allergic to peanuts.

Then it's probably more like opening a jar filled with a horribly grisly death waiting to seize your throat in the perpetual grip of doom while futile attempts to gasp for all-precious air weaken as an eerie silence settles upon the room.

So there probably is something better than a new jar of peanut butter.

complete shock

2010-03-08T08:35:00.001-07:00

A report by Fortune Magazine ranked Family Dollar Stores as 3rd in worst quality of products/services. Really? No, seriously: I am flabbergasted. I have always firmly believed that a store which sells everything on its shelves for all of one dollar should carry only goods of the utmost highest quality and worth; that such a travesty as being ranked 3rd in worst quality of products/services could happen is absolutely deplorable. Obviously, Family Dollar Stores' quality manager needs to be gravely reprimanded, even to the point of public flogging. But not with a whip purchased from Family Dollar Stores because it would probably just break.

Also, according to the Magazine Publishers of America, Fortune Magazine isn't even ranked in their list of top magazines, which is really surprising considering such demonstrably superior reporting.

first letter

2010-03-07T20:37:00.001-07:00

This is the first email I ever wrote to Melissa. I was such a dork. What was she thinking?

Hey you,

So there we are, standing outside your door at 12:26 in the morning, just out to do a little bit of fishing, and WHAM! The door flies open, the lights come on, Nathan wets himself, and I'm caught in the crossfire. We weren't doing anything at all. Just out fishing. Didn't you see the lake? We were actually just on our way to invite you to come, but having the door fly open on you just as you're about to knock is a tad bit startling. I'm sure you can imagine it.

Next time I'll come up with something better.

Oh, by the way, this is the email I use. Just thought I'd throw that in there.

I came to the library to see if you were still there (me being a stalker and all) But after an extesive search of floors 3, 4, and 5, I ran into Julie who indirectly prompted me into checking my email, which I did. In case you didn't gather.

By the way, you never came over for your pictures. But that's probably ok, because now there's a plausible excuse to come over. And I hid all your spices.

That said, I should probably go study for that math test. Knowing me, it should only take about 15 minutes. Also knowing me, that should be right up there around my score too, but we'll find out.

Have a marvelously ebullient day! Till next time...

Ciao,

Justin

sound reasoning

2010-02-26T17:41:00.000-07:00

I just had the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to read an incredible news story. Not that reading a news story is a once in a lifetime opportunity or that incredible news stories are all that rare, but I highly doubt that I will ever read a news article (headline: “Woman says her love handles saved her life”) that cites the following:

“I want to be as big as I can if it’s going to stop a bullet.”

That, my friends, is a fine example of some sound reasoning.

great accomplishment

2010-02-24T13:12:00.001-07:00

I had an exciting week this week in which I accomplished what is quite possibly the greatest feat of woe and daring in the history of mankind as we know it. This accomplishment, in its singularity, may very well be what pulls the banking industry from the doldrums of finance into the palatial realms of much greater companies like Enron and Tyco. After literally years of trial and error, test, and countless sleepless nights I have finally achieved that which was formerly thought to be unattainable: I have created a triple-stuffed EL Fudge cookie.

I believe that this is one of the things JFK referred to when he said:

"We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard, because that goal will serve to organize and measure the best of our energies and skills, because that challenge is one that we are willing to accept, one we are unwilling to postpone, and one which we intend to win, and the others [like creating a triple-stuffed short-bread cookie in the shape of a funny looking little person of questionable "orientation" who lives in a tree, which cookie is filled with a deliciously creamy fudge-flavored icing made from all non-natural ingredients that forces you to eat an entire package in one sitting even though that's probably 8600 calories which will all go straight to your hips and buttocks], too."

Ladies and gentlemen…we…have won. [Insert thunderous applause here.] [And accolades. Accolades go here.]

I anxiously await your unending praise, esteem, and admiration.

bubble wrap

2010-01-26T09:29:00.001-07:00

I know some of you probably celebrated on your own, but for the rest of us: we missed Bubblewrap's 50th birthday yesterday. This is really bad because it's really the one day you can make a (valid) excuse for wrapping up in a big sheet of bubbly fun with no clothes on just so you can hear the sweet sound of popping plastic as you roll around on the living room floor and people won't have you committed.

Trust me, other people don't appreciate it as much as they should.

Especially when it's their living room floor.

new thought

2010-01-12T16:00:00.001-07:00

I think vegetables would be much more appealing if they didn't have names that sounded like venereal diseases like 'arugula', 'collards', and 'Swiss chard'.

Also, if they tasted like bacon.

up north

2010-01-12T15:41:00.003-07:00

After finding a pretty screaming deal on airline mile tickets, Melissa and I escaped the frigid wastelands of Utah for the balmy tropics of Alaska (where it was only -8 for a couple of days) over the Christmas holidays. It was awesome. Especially because nobody knew we were coming except my brother and his wife.

I've never seen my mom so excited about something. We were sleeping on the floor downstairs when she came in to check for something and accidentally flipped on the light. As she was trying to apologize profusely, I poked my head up and it took her a second to realize I wasn't my brother-in-law (who had mentioned sleeping over that night). Then she started saying things like 'how did you get here' and 'you're not Nick' in really high octaves while doing super fast jazz hands with skippy feet.

My sister was then next one to find out later that morning. While she was giving my mom a hug, I came up and sandwiched her from behind and started digging my chin into her back. Her only comment was 'I don't know who that is but it feels good so don't stop.' Then I bit her. When she turned around I got to hear another high pitched voice screaming something about how 'now it can be Christmas'.

My dad was the last person at the house to find out and had probably the least spectacular reaction (but still pretty spectacular considering my dad). As he followed my brother up the stairs talking about the social acceptance of wearing underwear as a towel (because being seen in a towel is apparently more acceptable than being seen in underwear, thus raising the question: would it be more appropriate to use your underwear as a towel rather than actually wearing them if you didn't have any other clothes?), I jumped out from behind the banister and tried to scare him. It took a second for him to react with a clutching of the heart and staggering halfway back down the stairs. As it turns out, the delay was due to him trying to figure out how my brother went from standing right in front of him to jumping out from behind the banister in a split second.

We hit my other two sisters and their families at a baby blessing later that morning by walking in through the side door after everyone had already taken their seats. My brother-in-law Ethan was the first to see us and commented: "Oh. My. Goodness." Then everyone else looked and another round of high voices and onslaught of hugs ensued followed by a general mobbing by the nieces and nephews.

Definitely worth it. Except for the permanent hearing loss.

music video

2009-12-22T18:02:00.006-07:00

I couldn't not post this.

white elephant

2009-12-17T18:52:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my work Christmas party during which we had our traditional white elephant gift exchange.

Melissa brought an XL pair of leopard print granny panties.

How embarrassing.

perplexing question

2009-12-08T18:31:00.003-07:00

For some reason, I feel like the answer to this question is just out of my reach. Like when something's on the tip of your tongue and you just can't think of it. So here goes.

We know that Newton's First Law of Motion states: In the absence of force, a body either is at rest or moves in a straight line with constant speed (basically, once you start moving, you'll keep moving unless something changes). We know that a point on the outside of a rotating disc is necessarily traveling faster than a point closer to the center of the same rotating disc in order to cover a greater circumference in the same amount of time. We also know that gravitational force exerted by an object increases as distance between objects decreases according to the equation: PE = -G*(m1*m2)/r; (where G = gravitational constant, 6.67*10^-11; m1 = mass of object 1; m2 = mass of object 2; and r = distance between center of object 1 and object 2). And we know that light does not escape black holes and can even be bent by the extraordinary gravitational pull from a black hole.

So here’s the question: If light (we’ll name him Jim) were to approach off-center of a black hole (we’ll name him Bill) but within the very edge of the event horizon (the point at which nothing can escape Bill), Jim would supposedly spiral towards Bill’s center (remember that Bill is three dimensional and equally strong in all directions, much like myself after 5 days of camping). In order to continue moving inward (hence the spiral) Jim would have to have a continuous force acting radially from Bill’s center (Newton’s 1st Law), which force is actually increasing according to the boring equation referenced in the previous paragraph. So if the force is increasing as Jim get’s closer to Bill, the distance between the annuli of the spiral (as measured radially) must be increasing. So far, this means that if you were to draw a line (we’ll call her Cathy) straight out from Bill’s center and if Jim were to make one complete revolution at the beginning of his journey in some given amount of time, he will make one complete revolution towards the end of his journey (after spiraling inwards) in much less time because he has a much shorter distance to travel (if it were a circle, the circumference would be much smaller), and the distance between annuli as measured on Cathy is also increasing.

Okay, we haven’t gotten to the question yet. But we’re getting more confused.

Anyway, the spiral traced by Jim as described would probably approximate a Fermat spiral or at least the first half of a Fermat spiral. So if you were to be a casual observer (we’ll call you Otis) and could watch all of this happen (which you couldn’t really) from a fixed point in space outside Bill's event horizon, would it appear as though Jim sped up, slowed down, or didn't change speed has he approached Bill? Also, if Jim were aimed directly at Bill, would he speed up as he approached Bill and was acted upon with ever-increasing force by Bill’s overwhelming gravitational pull even though the speed of light is supposedly as fast as anything can go? Also, also, who names their kid Otis?

good idea

2009-12-03T17:15:00.004-07:00

There is no way that this:

is not a fantastic idea.

A 29lb sled with a 220 lb weight capacity built for old people to “withstand extreme use”. How could that possibly be a bad idea? It even has three different motion restricting, escape-proof restraining devices (they call them ‘safety straps’) and a head rest which practically guarantees that in the event of an overturn your forehead will be dragged through razor sharp shards of ice the absolute maximum distance possible. There's really nothing that says "I love you" like complete immobilization - it's even got a strap for the feet! With a narrow ski-base and precariously high center of gravity, keeling over into an uncontrollable tumble is practically inevitable. And for extra speed, there’s even a handlebar on the back for those “Here goes Grandpa!” push-offs. How exciting!

As if that’s not enough to make you go out and buy it right now, the runners are solid steel ensuring zero deflection as they slice through your extremities with the ease of a French Revolutionary guillotine. With not one but TWO “independently operating brakes” there’s no shortage of things to be talking/yelling/screaming bloody murder about as you careen down a 60 degree incline towards what will either be the most awesome jump over 17 cars and a school bus ever or a grisly scene of death and mayhem where miscellaneous body parts are sorted and piled for future identification to the sound of distant sirens and wailing car alarms. The only color available is red so the blood stains won’t even show up!

It's even on sale for a mere $429.00 + shipping and handling. Unfortunately, it’s only for riders with good head, neck, and trunk control so I guess I’ll have to find something else for the father-in-law…

new shirt

2009-11-19T22:20:00.006-07:00

After much searching, I have found Melissa's Christmas present. It's a shirt. But not just any shirt. It's a Gerbil Shirt.

Now I know your asking yourself, "Self, why would Melissa want a shirt with a gerbil on it?" And the answer is simple: because it's not a shirt with a gerbil on it. "What?" you say, "I thought you just said it's a gerbil shirt!" And that I did...but it's even better than a a shirt with a gerbil on it, it's a shirt with a gerbil (or potentially gerbils) on it. This is an important distinction and something that in no way could possibly go unnoticed. Especially because the gerbils in question ARE ALIVE!

Yes, that's right. I said it. It's a gerbil shirt with live gerbil(s) on it, going about their merry gerbil way, running around in little gerbil tubes, while the wearer (Melissa) continues having perfectly normal conversations with nobody. This is because nobody wants to be associated with someone who has gerbils running around their shirt. Ever. For any reason. Unless that reason is to fill the little gerbil tubes up with DeCon.

I still think Melissa will like it. Just look how happy she's going to be:

On a slightly related note, I don't think a gerbil would fill Bruce up.

On a slightly unrelated note, 'gerbil' is a funny looking word.

burning butter

2009-11-16T17:36:00.002-07:00

Melissa and I had an interesting conversation yesterday morning that went something like this:

Melissa: If you put butter in a toaster, would it light on fire?
Me: What?
Melissa: I was wondering if you put butter in a toaster, would it light on fire?
Me: That's what I thought you said. Why would you put butter in a toaster?
Melissa: Like if I buttered bread and then put it in a toaster.
Me: Why would you butter bread before you put it in the toaster?
Melissa: I'm just wondering if it would catch on fire.
Me: I guess it could. But, back to my question, why would you even consider doing that?
Melissa: Well, I was thinking I wanted a grilled cheese sandwich but I didn't want to spend the time to cook it. So I thought about putting it in the toaster because that would cook it pretty fast. Then I thought the butter might catch on fire so I decided not to do it. Then I thought we should probably make sure our kids don't do that.
Me: Now you've raised a completely different problem: why do you want grilled cheese first thing in the morning?

Now I have to go get a toaster that I can put buttered bread into just to see if it will catch on fire. And I probably have to do it without Melissa knowing about it. I should probably make sure our kids don't do that.

2009-11-08T23:38:00.000-07:00

Melissa thinks I'm crazy.

And with no further explanation...

highly disappointing

2009-11-01T21:20:00.005-07:00

Yesterday was Halloween which means that weird people were all over the place, some even coming to my house begging for unhealthy food.

Speaking of TV, there was one show I was really looking forward to watching: Werewolf Hamster: The Legend of.... The name was too long to display what the legend actually was so that part was a mystery, but I was pretty excited about it nonetheless. The idea of vicious mutant rodents terrorizing helpless villagers under the light of a full moon was very appealing to me and I was especially looking forward to hearing what the howl of a werewolf hamster sounded like. I imagine they sound something like a cat in heat stuck in a helium chamber.

Unfortunately, I never got to find out. It turns out I read the name of the movie wrong. It was really named Werewolf Hunter: The Legend of... which sounds way too lame to be any good at all. It was a very disappointing Halloween.

pump neighbors

2009-10-27T18:15:00.004-06:00

Gas pumps always seem to generate socially awkward situations for me. And by ‘socially awkward situations’ I really mean a ‘more-socially-awkward-than-normal situations’. This is because nobody acknowledges me at gas pumps. It’s almost as though the person on the other side of the pump or the pump across from me (my Gas Pump Neighbor, as it were) hates me and all that I stand for. I’m pretty sure there’s an unspoken competition to see which of us can fill up their gas tank first, like I’m not worthy to breathe human-rated air if I’m still standing out in the cold when my GPN drives off, giggling gleefully under his/her/it's breath. This even happens when I offer a polite “HEY! YOU! IS YOUR HAIR SUPPOSED TO LOOK LIKE THAT OR DID YOU HAVE AN INDUSTRIAL ACCIDENT AT A BEET FACTORY?!”

It’s a little disturbing.

security envelopes

2009-10-14T17:51:00.002-06:00

As I sat at my computer recently (just now), I noticed a box of 'Security Envelopes' sitting on my desk. Not only do they have a "Moisture Sealing Adhesive Flap" but they are also "Security Tinted for Confidential Mailings". Tinted like bullet-proof limousines. But more like easily ripped paper with a sort of dark blue ink blot on the inside.

I think 'Security Envelopes' should light on fire while spraying white phosphorous all over with a 180dB siren blaring as soon as anybody unauthorized tried to open them. That would be real security. I would even mail cash in an envelope like that.

Or they should at least get a badge.

topic change

2009-10-11T22:17:00.002-06:00

So I don’t really mean to change the topic from Number 1 but on to Number 2 in the Things to Do In the Bathroom series. For example: build a canoe from fecal matter to paddle across the English Channel. You can re-read that if you’d like.

As it turns out, if you’re sitting on the sovereign litter box and the idea to build some sort of meadow muffin flotation device to propel yourself across one of the busiest shipping lanes in the world occurs to you, it doesn’t count. You would be too late. Also, you need to put some magazines in your loo. Also, also, you may very well get the idea AFTER you’re done sitting on the privy (I’ll let you use your imagination as to why). The idea doesn’t count then either.

Two guys actually made a canoe (really more like a kayak) out of recycled paper and grass. The paper was recycled by the two guys. The grass was recycled by sheep. Why one would do this is a mystery.

My word of advice if you do choose to do this: make sure you use floaters.

domesticated ungulate byproduct

2009-10-08T19:11:00.004-06:00

Why is it that I can’t come up with something utterly revolting to sell to really gullible people? Something so absolutely revolting nobody in their right mind would ever remotely consider buying it. Ideally something people will put in their mouth. Something like a soft drink made out of cattle tinkle.

Oh wait. Too late.

Believe it or not, some guy in India is already making a soft drink out of bovine urine. I know. Delicious. Of course, he’s adding medicinal herbs like aloe vera and gooseberry. This is good because if you drink aloe vera, your tummy won’t hurt when it gets sunburned. Of course, that isn’t the only benefit: the drink is also supposed to cure obesity. Probably because after you drink cow pee nothing else is really appetizing. Ever.

On a completely separate note - there aren't very many synonyms for 'cow'.

embarrassing moments

2009-08-28T20:24:00.002-06:00

This never happened to me. Ever. I promise. But I still think it would be really embarrassing to fall asleep on the toilets at work and have the mid-day cleaning lady come in and find you.

Really, that never happened to me.

Trap Shooter

2009-07-22T08:00:00.004-06:00

The newest member of the ATK competition trap shooting team now lives in our house. Justin shot 46 out of 50 trap yesterday to make the 4 man team. According to him, the other team members' guns were pretty nice - some, he said, worth up to $2000 (and possibly up to $3500 so I was just told). Justin shot with the gun we traded for the Jimmy - doesn't that just show how good he really is. I still think he is headed for one of the Outdoor Channel's shooting shows.

dream on

2009-07-20T21:26:00.004-06:00

not forgotten

2009-07-19T16:53:00.004-06:00

Melissa kindly reminded me that not everyone knew James the GMC Jimmy as well as I and, therefore, it might be wise to post some pictures so that all may experience the heartbreak felt in our household.

dear james

2009-07-17T18:41:00.003-06:00

Dear James,

I hope you understand how hard this is for me; we’ve had so many wonderful memories together. It’s not you…it’s my wife. You see, she never really felt the same way I did about you. I know, I know. You had that nifty window in the floor where she could watch the road go by. And you got us stuck in the middle of the woods that one time so we could spend more time together. You even took your top off for her.

Mostly…it was the fumes. And the space you took up in the garage. And that you really haven't been going anywhere for the last two years. And that you drank a lot and even passed out in the driveway. And that some may (or may not) have referred to you as ‘an unholy abomination not fit to be burned with the fecal matter of a million camels’. But mostly it was the fumes. You can only smother so many brain cells.

Anyway. That’s why you were driven most of the way back to your new home by someone else. Oh, by the way, I understand why you would be upset, but two miles? You made it from Tooele to almost Vernal and decided to die TWO MILES away from Jerry’s house? That was pretty low. Its things like that that don’t make me regret leaving you for the guns. And the cash.

So I guess that’s it. I’ll be thinking of you tomorrow as I try to break pigeons with the new Mossberg. If I can see them through my tears.

All the best,

Justin

new project

2009-05-30T13:22:00.002-06:00

This is my new project to finish sometime in the future. Hopefully, it will keep Bruce from destroying the hot tub cover.

I Guess We'd Rather Be In Colorado

2009-05-28T08:39:00.010-06:00

We had a great trip in Colorado and wish we could go back for another week. Here are some pictures from the trip. Some are hard to explain but just use your imagination.

Trail that leads around Estes Lake. There was supposed to be a ton of elk on the trail but we just saw one. Maybe the Pierce curse doesn't just apply to fishing.

Supposedly this one was going to charge us at any moment. I was planning to get it on film as I ran away screaming.

Normal Pierce Family

Gangster Pierce Family - You Talkin To Me?

Haunted Hotel in Estes Park. The Shining was filmed here but none of us had seen it so we weren't too scared.

Mom wrapping herself in towels and garbage bags.

Mom smelling Dad's sock.

Last but not least - Brittany's performance as a weeping willow tree singing Poor Judd is Dead.

If you were wondering, we found a new game called Quelf that made us do all of this. I bet all of you can't wait until the family reunion when you get to participate.

quasi-boring jobs

2009-04-29T15:26:00.003-06:00

I think geology (if you are over the age of eight and still have a pet rock, you might be a geologist) would get pretty old after a while. And by ‘a while’ I mean ‘more than 12 minutes’. I believe this is why geologists came up with such a fantastic rating system for volcanoes: the Volcanic Explosivity Index. This was their attempt to lure unsuspecting undergrad students into the terribly riveting world of the rock cycle. And by ‘terribly riveting’ I mean ‘like watching paint dry without the benefit of fume-induced hallucinations’. And by ‘rock cycle’ I do not mean ‘Aerosmith’s upcoming North American tour from June-September’.

They even tried to make it more exciting by incorporating descriptions like ‘paroxysmal’, and ‘mega-colossal’. DO NOT BE FOOLED! You will be forever stuck studying things like plate tectonics and stratigraphy which are NOT things you want to be forever stuck studying! And by ‘forever’ I mean ‘forever’. Geologists measure time in millions of years. This means they are very rarely on time for meetings.

Consider yourself warned.

melissa's run

2009-04-04T10:40:00.003-06:00

Melissa just finished a half-marathon. She did really well. Definitely in the top 1500. I'm really, really, really proud of her and as soon as she can walk again, I'll probably take her out for a Bratwurst or something. I'm pretty sure that's exactly what she would want to eat right now.

2009 Provo City Half Marathon
Find more Runs in Provo, Utah

awareness campaign

2009-04-03T17:39:00.004-06:00

During this time of war, upheaval, and economic chaos, it’s easy to forget the things that are really important in life. Sometimes, that which is most dear to us can become minute compared to the much larger problems which seem to surround us daily. The media would have us believe that we are helpless to change our situation while feelings of hopelessness and dread can fill our thoughts. This is when it becomes most vital that we remember the significant things which may have fallen by the wayside. Like Restless Legs Syndrome.

It has now been long enough that I can no longer remember the last Restless Legs Syndrome commercial I saw. Forgotten by all, it is imperative that we do not allow made-up ailments to dissolve into the abyss! RLS could possibly affect nearly 12,000,000 people in the United States alone! That’s a potential of maybe almost 4% of the entire population! And it is estimated that there are many more who suffer from RLS will never seek medical attention for fear that “they wouldn’t be taken seriously” or some other inanity. That means that as many as 100% of Americans could perchance be potentially suffering from RLS! Why are these people not standing up and fighting to be recognized for the dastardly debilitating disability for which they suffer!?

Oh wait.

Well, why aren’t they sitting down and fighting to be recognized for the dastardly debilitating disability for which they suffer!? Fortunately, for only $67, these poor souls can purchase a single bottle of Restulex™, a homeopathic remedy “guaranteed* to help your legs stay relaxed from the very first use.” In my completely unbiased opinion, I think it would be hilarious to watch someone with relaxed legs try to walk. Therefore, Restulex™ is providing a much needed service to humanity: comic relief.

This lady has no spasms.

On an unrelated note, I’m pretty sure Melissa has Restless Finger Syndrome. Last night she woke me up by repeatedly jabbing her index finger into my leg as though she was frantically trying to push the eject button on United Flight 1549. She has no recollection of the event.

*Restulex™ is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent Restless Leg Syndrome (RLS). That part is taken directly from the Restulex™ website.

squirrel fishing

2009-03-29T17:43:00.003-06:00

On the recommendation of a friend, I found this:

In the process, I also found this:

I think they're both hilarious.

survival training

2009-03-29T11:09:00.005-06:00

I recently had the opportunity to learn some amazing skills from an individual who fancies himself a survival expert. I had no idea he was a survival expert, but after having him teach me how to snare squirrels, there is no doubt in my mind.

How to Catch Squirrels in a Survival Situation
1) Get a piece of rope. It's important that this rope not be longer than 3-4 feet and no thinner than 1/4 in. Preferably, you should be intimately familiar with this piece of rope, having taken it wherever you go for the past 8 months. Also important is melting the ends of the rope so they're not frayed (fortunately, this will be further addressed in step 4).
2) Get a stick. The stick demonstrated for me was approximately 2x6 inches.
3) Get one (1) Baby Ruth candy bar.
4) Make fire. This fire can be made using a can of spray paint and a match or a propane torch, both of which should be essential pieces of your survival kit. Redundancy should be observed by carrying two (2) cans of spray paint. When making the fire with spray paint, use only small/medium sized pieces of wood; no tinder or kindling allowed! When making the fire using a propane torch, use only tinder; no wood larger than a match should be used! However, you should save a few matches for later use if you decide to use matches as your primary fuel source. If necessary, this fire can also be used to melt the ends of your rope.
5) Tie the rope to a branch up in the tree. The branch should not be so high that you can't reach the end of the rope, in fact, the rope should hang only 2-3 feet from the ground. The type of knot is not important.
6) Tie the stick to the end of the rope that's hanging down from the tree. This knot should be a bowline.
7) Bring your fire and your Baby Ruth to a point under the rope.
8) After placing your fire on the ground, begin cooking the Baby Ruth. It is a little known fact that squirrels will immediately overcome their natural fear of humans and fire to have the opportunity to eat a flame broiled Baby Ruth candy bar. Within minutes, you should be overcome with squirrels. If not, you're obviously not cooking your Baby Ruth correctly.
9) Grab the stick (which should be hanging within easy hand's reach) and begin clubbing squirrels to your hearts content. Another little known fact: squirrels are much slower after being dazed by the fumes given off by cooking Baby Ruth candy bars and should be easy to club. The six-inch stick you're using as a club gives them a sporting chance.
10) Eat Baby Ruth flavored squirrels for dinner and never be hungry again.

Next Stop: Shooting USA

2009-03-26T08:25:00.003-06:00

Justin says I never post anything so I decided to give it a whirl today.

A couple of months ago I noticed that our DVR started filling up with several outdoor shows and shooting shows. Hours and hours of Best Defense Shooting, Impossible Shots, and Shooting USA - not to mention the ones where they show people deer hunting. Come to find out, Justin discovered the Outdoor Channel. He went to a shoot on Saturday and I think he's headed for the Shooting USA show - really. He did extremely well at the shoot. His results are below.

world famous

2009-03-25T18:18:00.002-06:00

Today I learned that I am world famous. Actually, I learned that China is probably hacking into my blog. I hope it's worth their time when they succeed. Actually, what I really learned is that I've had 8 visits to this site from countries other than the US of A. One of them was from China.

They were probably confused.

issa's family

2009-03-23T17:46:00.002-06:00

These are my nephews and my niece. They're kind of weird.

tupperware accolade

2009-03-22T18:20:00.005-06:00

Due to popular request, I'm posting a picture of my Tupperware(tm) nightstand. Yes, there are drawers. No I did not take them out for this picture. I have nothing to hide (in my nightstand... that's way too obvious). It just so happens the drawers fit nicely onto the shelves in the walk-in closet and have been stationed there for the last two years. As you may or may not be able to tell, I'm not one to care about furniture nobody will see. I leave the house decorating and furniture choosing completely up to Melissa. I would much rather spend money on things that go 'boom' and incite childish giggling. However, as outlined in the picture, I do have all the necessities. As of yet, the notepad has not been added.

good ideas

2009-03-15T09:17:00.001-06:00

Well, I haven't written anything on here for a while even though I've had some really good ideas that I wanted to write about. Unfortunately, all my really good ideas come right before I fall asleep and I don't remember what they were the next morning. So I guess you can be assured that I'm falling asleep.

I think I'll put a note pad on my Tupperware nightstand...

vowel-less words

2009-01-28T21:23:00.002-07:00

Norse mythology recently (36 minutes ago) became very interesting to me. This is because I read references to Ragnarök in two different, unaffiliated sources in as many days. Then I read the Wikipedia reference on Ragnarök which was very confusing. So after learning how to make ‘o’s like this: ö (Alt-0246), I prepared a much simpler version of the spine chilling, epic battle of the Norse gods.

Odin dies a grisly death caused by massive eaten-by-wolf-named-Fenrir related injuries in the very beginning. It was either that or bitten-by-snake related injuries but fortunately Thor (who was Odin’s son) was there to fend off the feisty fanged felon, Jörmungandr. As it turns out, Thor isn’t all that fantastic: ultimately all who die, lose and Thor loses after walking a pretty pansy nine steps (something about venom from giant snakes being bad for you).

Meanwhile, back at the ranch: Loki has been tied up because somehow he was complicit in the death of Baldr (Baldr having even less hair than his half-brother Bald). Baldr isn’t that important, except at the after Ragnarök when he’s resurrected and he sits around with some other ex-gods to sing Cum-by-ya and eventually they find some gold pieces and become Level 13 Dark Wizards. He was also the god associated with light and beauty, which is probably why he was able to be killed with a twig of mistletoe. Also, this was a pretty big deal leading up to Ragnarök because now all the other gods could no longer participate in their favorite pastime which happened to be throwing things at Baldr. They didn't have TV.

But back to Loki…

He’s bound with Narfi’s (his son) internal organs on some rocks while a snake leaks venom on his head, which ends up hurting a lot. This is a bad thing until he breaks free. Having never had the distinction of being called “the wisest of beings” like Odin, Loki tries to fight Heimdallr (who never sleeps and can hear grass grow) and they both kill each other. In an exciting twist of events: Jörmungandr turns out TO BE LOKI’S SON! But this doesn’t really matter because he’s already dead.

After that, Surtr, being the fjurk (English = jerk) that he was, covers the Earth in fire and everybody burns.

The end.

sea kittens

2009-01-27T21:09:00.003-07:00

I'm doing my part to save the sea kittens from the grisly death that would surely await them next to my chips (that's English for 'French Fries') by making my own sea kitten:

I like to pretend he rides the motorcycle Melissa won't let me get (despite the tremendous fuel savings and minor chance that I would die).

Actually, I love sea kittens. I also love prairie puppies or, as they are commonly known, 'Hamburgers'. To quote my brother, who probably read this on a place-mat somewhere: if God didn't want us to eat animals, He wouldn't have made them so taste so good.

I think I'm going to go have some chicken nuggets.

my picture

2009-01-27T20:20:00.002-07:00

This picture where I like to boast,
I look so good I have to post.
My pulchritude is fascinating,
I'm exquisite, a plus 10 rating.

Even with my facial fuzz,
I make your heart go all abuzz.
My bright blue eyes and brownish hair
Make you wish that you were there.

I caught a fish, as you can see,
It doesn't look as good as me.
With my coat, I'm not burlesque,
Though I remain quite statuesque.

It takes a fair amount of moxy
To admit that I look foxy.
But Melissa thinks I look so hot.
You can not argue I do not.

Ok. Enough of this nonsense. Melissa made me put this picture up because she has a thing about fish. It's weird. And kind of creepy. I think she was just jealous that I got to spend my New Years (and not the Chinese one) out on a frozen lake trying to slay sea kittens (http://www.peta.org/sea_kittens/) with some friends while she had to work.

Actually, I'm finally getting around to putting up a Christmas post. I know I"m not late because I'm sitting next to the Christmas tree right now. If I were late, we obviously wouldn't have our Christmas tree up. With the lights on. Obviously.

Christmas was actually pretty good. We spent it up north with Melissa's sister's family (who we'll call the "Hansen family" because that's their name). After much trepidation over the amount of presents the nephews and niece were receiving (too much, not too little), Melissa and I ended up being the last one's to open presents. This was good because by this time nobody really cared so I got off easy giving her an old lamp we inherited when we bought the house. I also got her a book which somebody reading this blog will probably open next year for Christmas. She got me some Hotwheels. It was awesome.

Other than that, life has been pretty uneventful. The Statistical Process Control (SPC) class I started for my Master's degree (in an as yet to be determined field) is pretty much a repeat of the easiest parts of the Engineering Statistics class I had to take two years ago. Melissa has been busy with her job which means that, for the most part, she likes it. Otherwise, nothing new.

And, just so you know, I think sea kittens are delicious with tartar sauce.

disappointment galore

2009-01-14T17:36:00.001-07:00

I must say, I am very disappointed nobody voted for the worst leftovers ever.

Christmas time

2008-12-23T21:16:00.002-07:00

Well, it’s here again. The time of year when lists are made, cheeks are rosy, and the ringing of bells can be heard throughout. This is, of course, the time of year when Melissa makes a list of all the things we (and by ‘we’, I mean ‘she’) needs to get done, her cheeks get all flustered rosy (mostly because by ‘we’, she means ‘we’), and she goes ringing doorbells dropping off gifts to our neighbors. This year was especially good because we included in some of our neighbor-niceties balloon rockets that make a sound very similar to flatulence. It doesn’t get more appropriate than that.

This is also the time of year when everyone on my outdated list of contacts receives via email or actual mail the yearly Pierce update. If you haven’t received yours yet, it means we don’t love you anymore because they were mailed out in the end of November. November of last year. Also, that was last year’s version. This year’s version may end up being a post-Christmas newsletter mailed out sometime in January. Okay, who am I kidding? It definitely will be a post-Christmas newsletter mailed out sometime in January. Probably January of 2010.

This is actually a good thing. We haven’t mailed a newsletter because I’m awesome at my job. At least that’s what I tell myself. It’s a lot easier than, “I didn’t pretend to be too busy with something else and got stuck on a proposal which took way too much unpaid overtime.” You can see how “I’m awesome at my job” is a lot easier to say. It’s at least 18 words shorter. So for all of you out there who are expecting a newsletter, stop waiting by the door for the mailman (at least until mid-January).

As for Christmas: what a wonderful time of the year, even if Bruce doesn’t think so…
Also, does anyone have any ideas for Melissa? I still have 1.14 days, right?

yay snow

2008-12-13T15:51:00.007-07:00

It's finally here. And now it can be Christmas.

man post (part deux)

2008-12-07T19:19:00.001-07:00

It is finally here. And now that it’s finally here, you’ll probably be highly disappointed that the promised ‘man post’ isn’t all that great. Kind of like what Melissa thinks now that she’s married to me. Brittany was kind enough to provide me with the pictures necessary to let the whole world know what I did for my Thanksgiving break exactly 3.86 seconds after I posted about her not providing me with said pictures. It was humbling. If I were able to be humbled.

As it were, this is what we did:

Melissa didn’t shoot the shotguns, but she’s pretty wicked good with the .22.

Brittany didn’t take any pictures of herself, which is probably good because that would have been scary. It’s usually a good idea to use both hands when shooting.

My political affiliations should also be crystal clear.

absolved

2008-12-02T16:55:00.008-07:00

You probably didn’t notice, but just in case you did: the much (once) touted and long awaited (5 days) for ‘man post’ has not yet arrived. This is mostly not my fault. Just because I may or may not have said that I would be diligent in retrieving the pictures from my sister’s camera, it’s her fault that I haven’t posted ‘the man post’ because she was supposed to send me the pictures I didn’t pull off her camera before she left.

So instead I’ll put up pictures of our house with Christmas lights. I didn’t even almost fall off the roof when I was putting these up.

And this is our most awesome tree that doesn’t have any big empty spots without branches if you look at it in the dark.

man post

2008-11-25T18:42:00.005-07:00

As I was perusing the links associated with my younger sister’s blog and realizing that she had more friends than me, I also realized that blogging is not a very manly thing to do. In fact none of the people I know who were directly or indirectly linked to her site are men. Most, if not all, are in fact women. This is good and bad for me. Much like being a male cheerleader is both good and bad. However, also much like being a male cheerleader, this is mostly bad.

Good because I am an anomaly which creates a fair amount of interest, much like having a third arm or two noses. This is because people are enthralled by abnormalities.

Bad because I don’t look nearly as ruggedly handsome in a dress. Handsome, absolutely; rugged, an emphatic ‘no’. This is because people are appalled by abnormalities.

That said I have decided to post a ‘Man Post’ defined as anything dealing with boom, vroom, or doom. This will probably be the next post, but here’s a sneak peek:

It’s important to start the militia training early in the formative years. That way, it’s a lot harder to brainwash them into reality later on.

congratulations

2008-11-19T21:39:00.002-07:00

Congratulations are in order to my sister, Charity. Her site has directed more traffic to this blog than any other means except, of course, direct linking to the site. So I guess a congratulations is really in order to all the people who visit her site, then click on my site (probably because they don't know any better).

Also, you may want to pray for their poor, poor lost souls.

beauty sleep

2008-11-14T20:31:00.003-07:00

Did you know gophers hibernate? I didn’t either. Apparently they do, and (depending on who you ask) Gill is no exception. By ‘who you ask’ I really mean: Melissa or me. If you ask me, Gill is sleeping peacefully in his cozy little hole somewhere in the now deceased flower garden. If you ask Melissa, Gill has begun construction on weapons of mass destruction, ran a bus full of pregnant ladies off a cliff, and makes obscene gestures at nuns.

This is a problem because I am the one who is being sent to take care of the problem. By ‘take care of the problem’ I really mean: follow Melissa's directions to dig holes randomly until you happen to find the one in which Gill has decided to fall asleep. This is not a good solution. This is ‘less effective’. This creates lots more work because all of those holes have to be refilled and made to look pretty again. By me. This is not high on my list of priorities.

My plan is to open diplomatic negotiations with Gill. Then shoot him in the face.

//kill gill

2008-11-14T20:13:00.006-07:00

int main() {

int x, y, gophers, dead;

cout << “How many gophers are in your yard?”; cin >> gophers;

dead = 0;

while (dead <= gophers) {

for (x = 0; x <= 10; x++) {

for (y = 0; y <= 10; y++) {
dig_hole (x, y);
check_gopher (aha);

if (aha= true){
shoot_gopher_in_face_with_pellet_gun (dead);
dead++; }
}
}
}

cout << “gill is gone.”;

return(0);
}

spooky

2008-10-31T23:58:00.006-06:00

Halloween is here and with it comes one of Melissa’s absolute favorite holiday traditions. This is probably the most important tradition that could ever be had, up to and including the tradition of blowing stuff up on the Fourth of July. Every year around Halloween, we make Monster Tacos. These are tacos made out of actual monsters captured from under our bed. If we’re really lucky, we might get a closet monster, which is much tenderer and doesn’t taste so much like old gym clothes.

Making Monster Tacos is an art and not an undertaking to be attempted by the faint of heart. One must be at least able to hold a spoon before even thinking of making a Monster Taco. After catching the monster and appropriately grinding the monster meat into a hamburger-like substance (coincidentally, hamburger can be used if monsters are not available), you do a bunch of other stuff the same as you would a taco but different. This isn’t a recipe blog. I’m not going to give recipes.

Another great part about Halloween is the chance for Melissa to make Halloween costumes. Lily went as Little Red Riding Hood. She looked great. Lily wasn’t bad either.

This part was definitely not my idea. Please pray for Bruce's terribly scarred soul.

great panic

2008-10-30T19:30:00.004-06:00

“JUSTIN, COME HERE RIGHT NOW! COME HERE RIGHT NOW! I NEED YOU HERE NOW!”

These are the sounds of a desperate woman in serious trouble; a woman whose home is being invaded by mutant, blood-sucking aliens, or who just cut her hand off in a blender and is picking her fingers off the floor one at a time, or who has been out of toilet paper for 46 minutes while I was trying to figure out what the horrible screeching sound interrupting my Mario Kart Wii game was. As it just so happens, they are also the sounds of a woman who sees a gopher.

We got a new pet. His name is Gill and he’s a gopher. He’s not a pet that we want and is apparently waterproof (after shoving a hose down his hole for approximately infinity minutes, he’s still alive). Gill has actually been around for awhile. The plants in our front garden started mysteriously disappearing over a month ago. Really, the whole thing was sort of creepy. It was as though we were living in some sort of time warp: one day a pretty little flower would be blooming in the sunshine, the next it would be gone without a trace. Like cookies or celery when Ian and Christen are around.

We thought it was the neighbor’s dog. Melissa even wanted me to set up the camera to time-lapse videotape so we could catch it in the act. Good thing I put that off for as long as I did. Finding out it was really a gopher saved me a lot of work. Actually, it just saved me the work of setting up the camera. I still have to get rid of the gopher. Maybe this means I’ll post again before December just to keep you posted on Gill’s status. Maybe.